Monday, January 3, 2011

How Long Before I Actually Kill Someone?

I'm pretty sure I had a thought today that solidifies my status as a horrible person.

I was walking down 41st street between 7th and 8th avenue in New York City, heading to the subway to get home to Astoria.  In front of me, a man walking briskly - the proper way to walk when in NYC.  Behind him, a rather large woman, struggling to keep up with him.  I noticed this, feeling a twinge of annoyance as she was between me and the subway and New Yorkers will tell you - do not get in our way when we have somewhere to go, it makes us angry.  However, like a good citizen of the world, I held my tongue. 

A space opened up to the side of the large woman, and I took the opportunity and passed the couple.  As I did, I heard the woman complain to the man, "Dan, you're walking really fast!"

In my head, I answered back, "Well, you're walking really fat."

I have a tendency of having smart alec-y / nasty thoughts about people as I walk down the street.  Mostly if I am on my way somewhere - an audition, a booking, a survival job - I am moving around the city ALL the time.  Invariably, there is often a slow moving humanoid in front of me.  The creature has a tendency to drift around the sidewalk at the exact same time that I am attempting to pass them.  A strange dance ensues that is accompanied by a string of profanity and nasty comments being screamed inside my head.

Hey, this is New York, I am not going to say these things out loud.  You never know when the person you are trying to pass is actually crazier than you.

The only phrase I have been saying out loud has been in direct response to people being stupid.  When I get a group of tourists walking toward me, looking up at the tall buildings (wow, they're so tall!) I will say, loudly, "Look where you're going!"  I think this is a completely sane response to people being idiots.  At least I'm not hacking at them with a machete to clear a path the subway they are blocking.  Although I have been tempted . . .

I have noticed that when I am most exhausted, my mind tirades actually become less curse-filled and more strange and personally insulting.

It was very late one night / early one morning and I was coming home after work (catering, people, I only strip on the lunch shift) and a person in front of me was blocking my way down the subway stairs.  I screamed in my head, "Out of my way, person of dubious gender!"

My next thought was how strange I hadn't included any curses.

I need to go to yoga more.

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