Sunday, January 2, 2011

Time To Look Into Acupuncture

So modern Western medicine has done some good.  It has.  Really.

Ok, now that's out of the way, there are some things I need to discuss.  I was watching the great god television the other day (remember, I am an ordained priestess of all religions) and a commercial came on for some kind of medication.

The idea that pharmaceutical companies are advertising their wares on TV like tinkers in the street is rather baffling to me.  I remember being a child and the only ads I totally didn't understand were perfume commercials, and lets be frank, they still don't make any sense.  

This commercial was quite cryptic.  A mid to late thirties handsome man, dressed as a firefighter stepped out from behind a fire truck (there was smoke and he was all soot-y, implying that this fine, upstanding man had just successfully fought a fire).  He proceeded to speak lines to this effect:

(I've omitted the name of the medicine, just in case someone decides to sue me and my empty bank account.)

Handsome Firefighter - "I never thought I had any problems.  Then I heard about ******.  At first I thought it was too good to be true, but then I talked to my doctor.  Now I take ****** and have never been happier.  Ask your doctor if ****** is right for you."

 . . . 

Does anyone else know what the hell ****** treats?  Is it something only for men?  Only for firefighters?  Would it apply to male and female fighters?  If I become a firefighter, do I need to ask my doctor about ******?  Do I have to be in a fire?  What if I work in a fire station, but I'm the secretary.  Does the simple proximity to firefighters put me in danger?  I pass fire stations a lot, is this a concern for me?

That's not even the worst of it.  The side affects of drugs always seems worse to me.

I have below listed the side effects for an anti-depression pill.  Tell me if one or multiple of these affects would worsen your depression, regardless of what the pill might do.
  • Depression worsens or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide 
  • Increased risk of death or stroke 
  • Tell your doctor if you have have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion as these may be symptions of a life threatening reaction
  • Tell your doctor if you have uncontrollable muscle movements as they could become permanent 
  • Has been known to case high blood sugar - in some cases extreme high blood pressure that can lead to coma or death 
  • Other risks include dizzyness upon standing, impaired judgement or motor skills and trouble swallowing 
The best you could say to say to yourself after this is at least you don't have sudden, uncontrollable diarrhea.  

I saw a commercial recently that listed one of the side effects as unusual dreams.  How the crap can you tell if a dream is unusual or not?  My dream last night was my dad and I floating above a rooftop as we recited "O Captain My Captain" for Paul Bettany.  That's pretty unusual to me.
I tell you, the kind of dream that would freak me out would be me running errands at Duane Reade, coming home to look over my finances and feeding the cats. 

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