Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sometimes, People Are Just Assholes

I had every reason to be in an excellent mood this morning.  I was heading to my fitting for the role I nabbed on Law and Order: Criminal Intent.  I walked into the subway and I ran into my friend, the incredible Alex Carney - director and smarty pants, who (whom?) I had not seen in a while.  We had catching up to do.  

We were stand on the subway train chatting - he had just gotten engaged to his significant other, my significant other had just gotten 11 stitches in his hand - we had shit to talk about.  From behind Alex, a very surly middle aged Russian man began yelling at us.

"This is not your apartment!  Be quiet!  You are talking too loud!"

Unfortunately for this Russian guy, Alex is quite the alpha male and immediately began telling this guy where he could shove his disapproval.  Chekhov was quite unprepared to have a combination of a defensive/offensive attack that was ready and waiting to strike, like a scorpion under a rock.  Or on top of a rock.  I don't know much about scorpions.  I feel like they live in hot places.

Anyway, that's irrelevant.

This guy would not shut up.  Finally Alex told him that he should move trains if our conversation was bothering him so much.  As he got up and walked past us he muttered, "Some people are so inconsiderate," to which Alex replied, "Some people are just assholes."  I guess this guy felt like he needed to be the "bigger" person and added, "Have a good day," and Alex told him, "Well, we were before we met you."

First of all, having Alex there to tell Vanya to quit being so Russian - it taught me something.  Defending yourself in a situation like that doesn't make you a jerk.  I think most people in a situation like that would just shut up to avoid the confrontation.  But standing up for yourself is not a bad thing, being right about something and being vocal about it is actually pretty empowering.

You can totally feel the rest of the subway car observing the situation between us and Rasputin, doing that "looking" but not really looking.  Everyone who was reading was still looking at the pages in front of them, but you could feel all their attention laser beamed in on the situation unfolding before them.

It takes a good amount a bravery to be able to take a stand, especially when you have an audience.  And Russian people are just scary in general - they are so used to being cold and miserable that making other people feel the same is second nature.  

But you know, maybe I'm being too harsh.  Maybe seeing Alex and me chatting reminded him of his relationship with his young sister in the old country who died in a tragic Vodka accident.  Like, she fell in a vat of Vodka and she froze to death.  That's how cold it is there.  Vodka freezes.  But she was his only sister that he loved very much, and if only he had been there for her she would still be alive today.

Honestly, I don't really care - he was a douche. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Internet Is Wierd. Weird. Whatever.

Ok, so we all know that the world wide web is an odd and scary place.  The information - true, false and surreal - is up online and all relatively easy to find.  Especially if you know how to think like a computer.

Regardless, there are wonderful things to find too.

One of my very favorite websites for gifts and odd things in general is a website called Etsy.  It is a market place that sells odds and ends that are specifically handmade, vintage or antique.  I did just about all my Christmas - er, Multicultural Winter Holiday shopping through the shops on this website.

While it is chock-full of cool, awesome things; it is also home to some of the strangest and most unnecessary objects on the planet.

Let's begin with some I found recently.

We'll start slow.


At first glance, this is kinda cute.  A simple, lace collar.  Many women would see this and think, wow, I could put this on with that cute dress of mine! But let's think about this.  This piece serves absolutely no purpose.  It won't help with warmth or anything, its not a piece of jewelry.  Price?  Between $25 and $40 - not including shipping.

I had to make this picture big so you could get the full effect of this creation.  When I first saw this picture I was a little confused what it was selling.  Then I realized.  It's a scarf knitted into a single sleeve.  One.  Sleeve.  So if your neck and right arm is cold, buy this item.  For the low low price of $200.  I'm not even joking.  Nor am I joking when I tell you that if you search the term "sleeve scarf" in Etsy you get upwards of 100 results.

Ahh, who wouldn't want a pre-stained dress?  Obviously this dress is for messy people who like creepy dolls on their clothing.  Less work for you!  Price?  This one's only $55 for something that looks like you stole it off a homeless person.

You can tell by this picture that this hat is bad news.  Even the model wearing it is unhappy.  It looks like someone was trying to make a purse and it went drastically wrong somewhere and the creator decided, "Hey, I'll just put it on my head!  Now it's a hat!  Tada!"



Ok, before I even go into this hat in detail, I wanted to share the name the creator gave this hat.  It is the Thought Transfer Station Headdress.  Yeah.  This is seriously something for sale.  For sale for $385.  Not even kidding.  

I don't think I have to say anymore.

I have one last website to share with you today.  I couldn't even bring myself to put pictures of it up on this post because I was so creeped out.

Ahh, the internet. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Why Would You Want To Drink A Rebel?

Rebels rebels everywhere but not a drop to drink.

Seems like everywhere you look these days there are people rebelling against the oppressive and awful.  Putting  tyrants and dictators in their place.

And their place is most definitely in the corner.

I was thinking about rebels and the whole notion of being a rebel.  I feel like most rebels that you see on TV always tend to look kinda unwashed and worse for the wear, but noble and idealistic, a little unorganized but full of passion and definitely willing to make due with what they can get, which is never much.

For all those good characteristics, there is an essential part of being a successful rebel that I feel like I never see.  

When do we ever see the planning process?

Follow me, won't you.

The rebel element to me is always portrayed as someone who is unwilling to wait another second for the freedom they crave; that freedom that people like you and me take for granted.  They are always chomping at the bit to get at the bad guys.  You can't hold them back - you can throw them down in a chair and tell them to ..."calm down, its just too much caffeine"... and they will curse you as a traitor and spit on your shoes.

And those were new shoes.

Do you think they take the proper time to plan out what would happen if they win?  I feel like they never think about that part.  I mean, they win and all, right?  There must be that inevitable moment of, "Ah, crap, we won.  What the shit do we do with this fucked up country now?"  

Cause you know that country isn't in great shape.  There are no real laws in place, and even if there were you would have to have a police presence to enforce it.  You would have to have a well organized military, ready to help peacefully transition from the old regime of death and gloom into the new one of bunnies and sunshine.  Add to the fact that the economy is probably fucked to all hell (unless you are an oil producing country, in that case you have no worries - except, of course, if you actually want to run your own country at all), the currency is worth nothing and some lint you found in your pocket and there is probably little to no medicinal services to be had.

No bueno, my friends.  No bueno.

I feel like as a rebel you would have to do some pillaging too.  There is just something so unsatisfying about sacking a city and walking out empty handed.  All the other less scrupulous rebels would laugh and point that you didn't even take that perfect cupcake in the window of the bakery.  If I lived in a town that was taken by rebel forces and someone took something of mine I think I would probably let them take it.  After all, they did win and they deserve something to remember their day of victory.  I'd be upset if it was something I particularly liked and all, but I'd be all, 'To the victor goes the spoils, my friends, and today, you are the victor."

But there is always tomorrow.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Even Those Close Encounters Aliens Were Petrifying

I was speaking with a friend of mine today about all the craziness that's been going on in the world - Japan's earthquake, tsunamis, terrorist attacks, etc. - and naturally we started talking about aliens.


Natural disasters at this point in human history will always direct me to that fateful day we have coming to us - December 21st, 2012.  The Mayan calendar (well, one of them) ends on that day.  This has lead to all kinds of theories - an end of the world, the apocalypse, aliens coming (back?) to enlighten us all.

An interesting fact - the notion of an apocalypse in the Mayan tradition did not mean fire and brimstone and death death death.  It actually had more to do with a universal shift in thinking, an enlightenment, a change in the way the world around us is perceived.

See, that would be cool and totally acceptable.

I have something to confess.  Aliens scare the crap outta me.  Movies and 'documentaries' about alien abduction will mean at least a week of having to sleep with the light on in the bedroom.  I am not even joking about that, alien abduction scares me to death.  I think its because if that ever did happen, no one is coming to save you, no one knows where the fuck you are.  You are getting probed and there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Some people think aliens have been visiting our planet for thousands of years.  The ancient Sumerians had an incredible understanding of our solar system, and the carved relief they left behind includes figures that appear to be in space suits and rockets and stuff like that. 

See?  Some people think these carvings (in the British museum) are actually alien beings that visited humans hundreds of years ago to help with building shit.  Cause they don't have anything else to do except help a struggling race eek out an existence.

"Hey, Alien 1 (we're calling him that because we can't pronounce his name in English) what you doing later?"

"Ted (his name is actually Ted, weird huh?), I'm just chilling, why?"

"Want to go to a tiny planet in the Milky Way and help out a primitive race with menial tasks?"

"Boy, do I ever!"

In this picture the aliens have a space ship.  

Conclusions from this?  My five year old niece Brooke has better art skills than the ancient Sumerians.

Regardless, some people believe that those helper aliens are coming back in 2012.  

I'm actually not going to talk about how silly I think this is.  Let's talk about how people would react.

So yeah, 2012 comes and the aliens come back.  I have a bad feeling they would end up being a fad, like the iPad.  For about a week if you saw someone with one on the subway you'd turn to your friend and be all, 'Dude, that guy has an iPad!  Cool!'.  But now when you see one you turn to your friend and be all, 'Ug, what a poser, working on an iPad on the subway!  Douche!'. 

See, after about a month of being in awe of aliens, we'd be all, 'Alien, move your spaceship!  You're blocking my car!  Can't you read the sign, no parking on Tuesdays and Thursdays!  Stupid aliens, can't even read English.'

I'd still be terrified of them. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Finally, Charlie Sheen

As a comedian, I am pissed at Charlie Sheen.

When I say pissed, I don't mean that I am angry about the ideologies he has been spouting or the fact that he's got two barely of age prostitutes probably fearful of their lives or that his twin children are watching all of this happen from a very impressionable age.  All this I can forgive.  All this I can forget.

What I cannot get over,  however, is the way he has been going about all this, because he has left me nothing to make fun of.

I'm a stand up comedian - I love it. I look at ridiculous things that happen in this world and I make it funny.  From my point of view, the things that Mr Sheen has been doing are the least funny occurrences in the world.  Honestly, at this point I would be more comfortable making a joke about the apartheid then having a go at Charlie.

He has become so ridiculous that he is dangerous.  He's like that masturbating homeless man on the subway.  You don't want to do anything that brings any attention to yourself, just in case he aims his, er, um, "rage" your way.  Like at school when a teacher asks a question you have no idea what the answer is, you think if you don't look at him/her, they can't see you to single you out.  That's what Charlie is like.

You can see it in every reporter that interviews him too.  Every one of them is terrified for their fucking lives.  Not one of them is comfortable.  Even when they are sitting down, you can tell all their weight is in the balls of their feet, they are ready to make a quick get away just in case Sheen's own private Fat Man goes off in his head.  Unconsciously, the fight or flight instinct has been kicked into high gear when they are in his presence - and every atom in their bodies is clamoring for flight.

None of this is funny in any way.  And what is terrible is no one is making any move to halt the insanity.  Everyone is so riveted in what the crazy man will say next, it will take him ritually sacrificing one of his own children on television before someone stands up and says, "Ok, Charles, that's enough."  

Even I can't make fun of that.  Even though I have never met Charlie Sheen, I don't know anyone who actually knows him or has seen him in real life, I've never seen an episode of Two and a Half Men, but I do know that I am so bone-chillingly appalled and petrified of that man that in no way will I go up onstage and say anything about him that he could construed as negative.  

He's like the bogey man.  Years from now, mothers will tell their children that they had best be good, or else Mean Mean Charlie Sheen will get them.  And the kids will whimper and clutch each other for comfort and promise to be good.  

That is unless Charlie Sheen takes us all down in an apocalypse started for his own personal pleasure.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I Like To Call Them Purse Rats

Owning animals is really a form of complete and total narcissism.

I was sitting on the subway today and there was a young-ish sort of woman holding an overpriced purse that contained an overpriced tiny dog-like creature.  She, of course, was surrounded by people fawning over the poor, shaking creature - everyone pontificating on the cuteness of the "dog". And she was eating up the attention.  

The woman, not the dog.

She was just basking in the attention these strangers were giving to her dog and, by proxy, her.  Obviously her parents didn't give her enough attention when she was a child,  because she was gobbling every "ooh" and "ahhh" her audience would give.  

I am not saying that she didn't love the animal.  I am sure she adores her little puppy-mill after-effect.  

It hit me then that this woman would be a terrible mother.

Those small animals are substitutes for babies.  We all know this.  One of the reasons that women get pets is to be able to exercise their mother-ly instincts when they have no offspring of their own to attend to.  They are the living version of a doll - something that loves you unconditionally in a way that you determine (like the doll) and now (unlike the doll) can show you exactly how much they love you need you more than any other creature ever would because their survival depends entirely on you.  It is the way that these women would want their babies to react - to love them completely because their survival depends entirely on them

This means that this woman on the subway would use her child's existence as a way to further her own self esteem, and give her narcissism a whole new form.

And I feel bad for those poor dogs too.  Let's completely forget and forgive the overbearing owners that make the animal wear clothes and jewelry.  I feel bad for them because these designer dogs (the ones that are a combination of two pure bred dogs) somehow end up with the crappy genes from both dog.  Those kind of dogs always seem slightly retarded to me.  Their eyes never look in the same direction, they continually tremble like Hitler's been shouting at them about being exterminated and they always seem to have some kind of nervous behavioral problem.

I have always wondered what will happen to these dogs in the future.  There are already so many of them that have been given up by their owners when they realize its too much responsibility to actually care for another living creature.  If the apocalypse comes and all these tiny dogs get away, what will happen?  Will we have roaming packs of wild puggles and cockapoos, bloodthirsty and adorable?  When you try to travel from town to town will you have to have a tennis racket at the ready, just in case you need to fend off morkies and snorkies in a ravenous rage?   

They're like the gnats of the dogs world.

Now I have to go fed my two cats and get off on their disdain for me and all I stand for.  What does that say about me, I wonder?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Also Know As 'Yox' In Ye Olde English

I am going to let you in on a very real fear of mine.

This is not an arbitrary fear, like butterflies or Miley Cyrus.  This is a legitimate fear, like looking both ways before crossing the street and Charlie Sheen.

We are talking about hiccups.

As we all know (or don't know) hiccups are when your diaphragm involuntarily contracts.  This contraction causes a quick breath of air into the lungs.  This sudden rush of air causes the glottis to close - this is what the 'hic' sound comes from.  

Ok, come on, hiccups are terrifying!  I have a mini freak out every time I have hiccups.  And here's why:

There are two types of hiccups.  A hiccup bout and an intractable hiccup.  A hiccup bout is the most common form of this ailment, usually lasting several seconds to several days.  An intractable hiccup (which is rare) can last several years.

Does no one else realize just how terrible this is?  The most common form of hiccups can last DAYS?  I'm sorry, that is not ok.  Not ok at all.  How do you sleep with hiccups?  You'd be sleep deprived, annoyed and completely unable to communicate a coherent thought without people snickering at you.  

And what if you got the hiccups that last for years?  Every single time I get hiccups I am always panic-stricken that my diaphragm will be dancing around in my abdomen for a decade.  One American pig farmer had hiccups from 1922 - 1987.  Forget ever getting a date or being invited anywhere, you know that guy was probably known as Bouncing Bill, the crazy hiccuping pig farmer.  

Now there are those lovely home remedies for hiccups:

  • Placing a spoonful of dry, granulated sugar on your tongue and swallowing it 
With my luck I'd choke on the sugar and either die or exacerbate the hiccups.

  • Filling a glass with ice cubes and water and drinking it slowly to change the temperature of the esophagus to interrupt the hiccup response.
Whenever I do this there will be a few extra seconds of no hiccups, just enough to get my hopes up, and then they come back with full force, and I can hear the tinkle-y laughter of the hiccup fairies in my ears.  Fucking hiccup fairies.

  • Pulling your tongue with your fingers
Ok, I had never heard of this one until I was looking stuff up for this post, but how the heck do you pull on your tongue?    I have been trying for the last 10 minutes and its uncomfortable and makes your mouth taste funny.  Maybe I need to clean my keyboard.

  • Stimulating the back of your throat or the roof of your mouth with your index finger
I'd just end up hiccuping in a pool of my own vomit.  Probably crying too.

And if they last forever, they would drive you crazy!  There was this one woman, Jennifer Mee, who hiccuped over 50 times per minute for months who was accused of murder back in November.  She shot a guy for the $60 in his wallet!

See, maybe for $80 would I kill someone, but not $60.  That's just ridiculous.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Vaginas. Yep, Vaginas.

Ok, this post has been a long time coming.

One of the last posts I wrote had to do with penises and surgery you can get on them and such.

Well, ladies, I couldn't leave out our own friend/nemesis - the vagina.

You have to admit, most women have a love/hate relationship with thee ol' birth cannon down there.  Its awesome and full of delicious mysteries, but it is also full of problems, and not just regular menstrual problems.  As I said before, we women are like something Apple designed, but in the same vein, when something breaks, its impossible to fix.

For example, did you know that your vagina can just FALL OUT.  Its called vaginal prolapse.  It happens after you've had a passel of children and all your muscles down there are all loose.  If its really bad you have to have your uterus removed entirely, but you can also have things reconstructed, if its not too crazy down there.

And yes, as many people know, there is vaginal plastic surgery.  After you've had your litter and you think that things downtown look a little flabbity, you can get things all re-done.  I looked it up.  And thankfully, these website warn you before they show pictures of naughty bits.  I do have to say, the 'after'  pictures are much nicer than the before.  The 'before' pictures look like an overstuffed deli sandwich.  The 'after' pictures look like a dish they would make in France, all clean and everything in its proper place.

By the way, did you know that the speculum that the gynecologist uses dates all the way back to 1300 BCE?  Yeah, not even joking.  Anyone else find that completely awful?  That the technology used in investigating the female reproductive system hasn't evolved, other than the material its made out of.  

Yeah, I've got a bit of problem with that. 

For some fun reading, here's a list of some of the more amusing nicknames the vagina has gotten over the years:

Bearded Clam - Why do I feel like a pirate invented that one?  "Arrrrrr, I'm going to go tend to me woman's bearded clam!"

Bone Yard - Get it?  Cause bone means dick!

Cape Horn - Get it?  Cause horn means dick!

Dick Holster - The men in my life came up with this one, I figured I'd include it.  Mostly to embarrass them.

Dick Sharpener - That god this isn't true!  We have enough to deal with down there!

Goldfinch's Nest - This one felt very Disney.  Like there are little beautiful birds fluttering around it.

Manhole - There's a double meaning in that.

Penis Penitentiary - I think this is a misnomer!  I mean, come on, it is not a place the penis goes to be punished!  Penises aren't going to court to try and get out of a vagina.  If anything, they are doing everything they can to get in.  They should change it to Erection Resort.

Sausage Wallet - I just got odd images from that.

Snake Charmer - I like this one cause its positive.  So many vaginal nicknames tend to be more negative.

Those are the best ones I found.  Anyone else got good ones?