I am going to let you in on a very real fear of mine.
This is not an arbitrary fear, like butterflies or Miley Cyrus. This is a legitimate fear, like looking both ways before crossing the street and Charlie Sheen.
We are talking about hiccups.
As we all know (or don't know) hiccups are when your diaphragm involuntarily contracts. This contraction causes a quick breath of air into the lungs. This sudden rush of air causes the glottis to close - this is what the 'hic' sound comes from.
Ok, come on, hiccups are terrifying! I have a mini freak out every time I have hiccups. And here's why:
There are two types of hiccups. A hiccup bout and an intractable hiccup. A hiccup bout is the most common form of this ailment, usually lasting several seconds to several days. An intractable hiccup (which is rare) can last several years.
Does no one else realize just how terrible this is? The most common form of hiccups can last DAYS? I'm sorry, that is not ok. Not ok at all. How do you sleep with hiccups? You'd be sleep deprived, annoyed and completely unable to communicate a coherent thought without people snickering at you.
And what if you got the hiccups that last for years? Every single time I get hiccups I am always panic-stricken that my diaphragm will be dancing around in my abdomen for a decade. One American pig farmer had hiccups from 1922 - 1987. Forget ever getting a date or being invited anywhere, you know that guy was probably known as Bouncing Bill, the crazy hiccuping pig farmer.
Now there are those lovely home remedies for hiccups:
- Placing a spoonful of dry, granulated sugar on your tongue and swallowing it
With my luck I'd choke on the sugar and either die or exacerbate the hiccups.
- Filling a glass with ice cubes and water and drinking it slowly to change the temperature of the esophagus to interrupt the hiccup response.
Whenever I do this there will be a few extra seconds of no hiccups, just enough to get my hopes up, and then they come back with full force, and I can hear the tinkle-y laughter of the hiccup fairies in my ears. Fucking hiccup fairies.
- Pulling your tongue with your fingers
Ok, I had never heard of this one until I was looking stuff up for this post, but how the heck do you pull on your tongue? I have been trying for the last 10 minutes and its uncomfortable and makes your mouth taste funny. Maybe I need to clean my keyboard.
- Stimulating the back of your throat or the roof of your mouth with your index finger
I'd just end up hiccuping in a pool of my own vomit. Probably crying too.
And if they last forever, they would drive you crazy! There was this one woman, Jennifer Mee, who hiccuped over 50 times per minute for months who was accused of murder back in November. She shot a guy for the $60 in his wallet!
See, maybe for $80 would I kill someone, but not $60. That's just ridiculous.