Finally, Charlie Sheen

As a comedian, I am pissed at Charlie Sheen.

When I say pissed, I don't mean that I am angry about the ideologies he has been spouting or the fact that he's got two barely of age prostitutes probably fearful of their lives or that his twin children are watching all of this happen from a very impressionable age.  All this I can forgive.  All this I can forget.

What I cannot get over,  however, is the way he has been going about all this, because he has left me nothing to make fun of.

I'm a stand up comedian - I love it. I look at ridiculous things that happen in this world and I make it funny.  From my point of view, the things that Mr Sheen has been doing are the least funny occurrences in the world.  Honestly, at this point I would be more comfortable making a joke about the apartheid then having a go at Charlie.

He has become so ridiculous that he is dangerous.  He's like that masturbating homeless man on the subway.  You don't want to do anything that brings any attention to yourself, just in case he aims his, er, um, "rage" your way.  Like at school when a teacher asks a question you have no idea what the answer is, you think if you don't look at him/her, they can't see you to single you out.  That's what Charlie is like.

You can see it in every reporter that interviews him too.  Every one of them is terrified for their fucking lives.  Not one of them is comfortable.  Even when they are sitting down, you can tell all their weight is in the balls of their feet, they are ready to make a quick get away just in case Sheen's own private Fat Man goes off in his head.  Unconsciously, the fight or flight instinct has been kicked into high gear when they are in his presence - and every atom in their bodies is clamoring for flight.

None of this is funny in any way.  And what is terrible is no one is making any move to halt the insanity.  Everyone is so riveted in what the crazy man will say next, it will take him ritually sacrificing one of his own children on television before someone stands up and says, "Ok, Charles, that's enough."  

Even I can't make fun of that.  Even though I have never met Charlie Sheen, I don't know anyone who actually knows him or has seen him in real life, I've never seen an episode of Two and a Half Men, but I do know that I am so bone-chillingly appalled and petrified of that man that in no way will I go up onstage and say anything about him that he could construed as negative.  

He's like the bogey man.  Years from now, mothers will tell their children that they had best be good, or else Mean Mean Charlie Sheen will get them.  And the kids will whimper and clutch each other for comfort and promise to be good.  

That is unless Charlie Sheen takes us all down in an apocalypse started for his own personal pleasure.

Also Know As 'Yox' In Ye Olde English

I am going to let you in on a very real fear of mine.

This is not an arbitrary fear, like butterflies or Miley Cyrus.  This is a legitimate fear, like looking both ways before crossing the street and Charlie Sheen.

We are talking about hiccups.

As we all know (or don't know) hiccups are when your diaphragm involuntarily contracts.  This contraction causes a quick breath of air into the lungs.  This sudden rush of air causes the glottis to close - this is what the 'hic' sound comes from.  

Ok, come on, hiccups are terrifying!  I have a mini freak out every time I have hiccups.  And here's why:

There are two types of hiccups.  A hiccup bout and an intractable hiccup.  A hiccup bout is the most common form of this ailment, usually lasting several seconds to several days.  An intractable hiccup (which is rare) can last several years.

Does no one else realize just how terrible this is?  The most common form of hiccups can last DAYS?  I'm sorry, that is not ok.  Not ok at all.  How do you sleep with hiccups?  You'd be sleep deprived, annoyed and completely unable to communicate a coherent thought without people snickering at you.  

And what if you got the hiccups that last for years?  Every single time I get hiccups I am always panic-stricken that my diaphragm will be dancing around in my abdomen for a decade.  One American pig farmer had hiccups from 1922 - 1987.  Forget ever getting a date or being invited anywhere, you know that guy was probably known as Bouncing Bill, the crazy hiccuping pig farmer.  

Now there are those lovely home remedies for hiccups:

• Placing a spoonful of dry, granulated sugar on your tongue and swallowing it 

With my luck I'd choke on the sugar and either die or exacerbate the hiccups.

• Filling a glass with ice cubes and water and drinking it slowly to change the temperature of the esophagus to interrupt the hiccup response.

Whenever I do this there will be a few extra seconds of no hiccups, just enough to get my hopes up, and then they come back with full force, and I can hear the tinkle-y laughter of the hiccup fairies in my ears.  Fucking hiccup fairies.

• Pulling your tongue with your fingers

Ok, I had never heard of this one until I was looking stuff up for this post, but how the heck do you pull on your tongue?    I have been trying for the last 10 minutes and its uncomfortable and makes your mouth taste funny.  Maybe I need to clean my keyboard.

• Stimulating the back of your throat or the roof of your mouth with your index finger

I'd just end up hiccuping in a pool of my own vomit.  Probably crying too.

And if they last forever, they would drive you crazy!  There was this one woman, Jennifer Mee, who hiccuped over 50 times per minute for months who was accused of murder back in November.  She shot a guy for the $60 in his wallet!

See, maybe for $80 would I kill someone, but not $60.  That's just ridiculous.