Thursday, March 10, 2011

Finally, Charlie Sheen

As a comedian, I am pissed at Charlie Sheen.

When I say pissed, I don't mean that I am angry about the ideologies he has been spouting or the fact that he's got two barely of age prostitutes probably fearful of their lives or that his twin children are watching all of this happen from a very impressionable age.  All this I can forgive.  All this I can forget.

What I cannot get over,  however, is the way he has been going about all this, because he has left me nothing to make fun of.

I'm a stand up comedian - I love it. I look at ridiculous things that happen in this world and I make it funny.  From my point of view, the things that Mr Sheen has been doing are the least funny occurrences in the world.  Honestly, at this point I would be more comfortable making a joke about the apartheid then having a go at Charlie.

He has become so ridiculous that he is dangerous.  He's like that masturbating homeless man on the subway.  You don't want to do anything that brings any attention to yourself, just in case he aims his, er, um, "rage" your way.  Like at school when a teacher asks a question you have no idea what the answer is, you think if you don't look at him/her, they can't see you to single you out.  That's what Charlie is like.

You can see it in every reporter that interviews him too.  Every one of them is terrified for their fucking lives.  Not one of them is comfortable.  Even when they are sitting down, you can tell all their weight is in the balls of their feet, they are ready to make a quick get away just in case Sheen's own private Fat Man goes off in his head.  Unconsciously, the fight or flight instinct has been kicked into high gear when they are in his presence - and every atom in their bodies is clamoring for flight.

None of this is funny in any way.  And what is terrible is no one is making any move to halt the insanity.  Everyone is so riveted in what the crazy man will say next, it will take him ritually sacrificing one of his own children on television before someone stands up and says, "Ok, Charles, that's enough."  

Even I can't make fun of that.  Even though I have never met Charlie Sheen, I don't know anyone who actually knows him or has seen him in real life, I've never seen an episode of Two and a Half Men, but I do know that I am so bone-chillingly appalled and petrified of that man that in no way will I go up onstage and say anything about him that he could construed as negative.  

He's like the bogey man.  Years from now, mothers will tell their children that they had best be good, or else Mean Mean Charlie Sheen will get them.  And the kids will whimper and clutch each other for comfort and promise to be good.  

That is unless Charlie Sheen takes us all down in an apocalypse started for his own personal pleasure.

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