Thursday, March 3, 2011

Vaginas. Yep, Vaginas.

Ok, this post has been a long time coming.

One of the last posts I wrote had to do with penises and surgery you can get on them and such.

Well, ladies, I couldn't leave out our own friend/nemesis - the vagina.

You have to admit, most women have a love/hate relationship with thee ol' birth cannon down there.  Its awesome and full of delicious mysteries, but it is also full of problems, and not just regular menstrual problems.  As I said before, we women are like something Apple designed, but in the same vein, when something breaks, its impossible to fix.

For example, did you know that your vagina can just FALL OUT.  Its called vaginal prolapse.  It happens after you've had a passel of children and all your muscles down there are all loose.  If its really bad you have to have your uterus removed entirely, but you can also have things reconstructed, if its not too crazy down there.

And yes, as many people know, there is vaginal plastic surgery.  After you've had your litter and you think that things downtown look a little flabbity, you can get things all re-done.  I looked it up.  And thankfully, these website warn you before they show pictures of naughty bits.  I do have to say, the 'after'  pictures are much nicer than the before.  The 'before' pictures look like an overstuffed deli sandwich.  The 'after' pictures look like a dish they would make in France, all clean and everything in its proper place.

By the way, did you know that the speculum that the gynecologist uses dates all the way back to 1300 BCE?  Yeah, not even joking.  Anyone else find that completely awful?  That the technology used in investigating the female reproductive system hasn't evolved, other than the material its made out of.  

Yeah, I've got a bit of problem with that. 

For some fun reading, here's a list of some of the more amusing nicknames the vagina has gotten over the years:

Bearded Clam - Why do I feel like a pirate invented that one?  "Arrrrrr, I'm going to go tend to me woman's bearded clam!"

Bone Yard - Get it?  Cause bone means dick!

Cape Horn - Get it?  Cause horn means dick!

Dick Holster - The men in my life came up with this one, I figured I'd include it.  Mostly to embarrass them.

Dick Sharpener - That god this isn't true!  We have enough to deal with down there!

Goldfinch's Nest - This one felt very Disney.  Like there are little beautiful birds fluttering around it.

Manhole - There's a double meaning in that.

Penis Penitentiary - I think this is a misnomer!  I mean, come on, it is not a place the penis goes to be punished!  Penises aren't going to court to try and get out of a vagina.  If anything, they are doing everything they can to get in.  They should change it to Erection Resort.

Sausage Wallet - I just got odd images from that.

Snake Charmer - I like this one cause its positive.  So many vaginal nicknames tend to be more negative.

Those are the best ones I found.  Anyone else got good ones?

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