Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What About Commit Genocide Together?

Relationships are odd monsters. 

There is so much pressure to find that perfect someone and then keep that perfect someone and make lots of little perfect replicas of your perfect union in the form of sentient beings who will then in turn find perfect someones to be with and spread your combined perfect-ness throughout the ages.

It's the mortal human's form of immortality.

But hold your horses - how do you get to that point?  How do you find that perfect someone?  And the big question, how do you keep the both of you happy?

Honestly, I have found being truly in love and staying away from lying and all that tends to work wonders, but what, my lovelies, does the internet have to say?

I found this Facebook page recently, all about activities to do with your better half.  I was particularly tickled by this, mostly because it seemed like a way to plan out things that should usually be spontaneous.  There were over 100 suggestions on how to keep each other happy.  So I decided to be cynical and pick the ones that were the most stupid and make fun of them.

You know, like you do.

  • Do A Home Improvement Project With Your Neighbor 

Um, isn't this supposed to be a list to bring couples closer together?  I mean, this could have simply been "Do A Home Improvement Project Together."  My fiance and I painted the apartment together recently.  That was kinda fun, I guess.  But if we had invited our Greek neighbors over we would have just ended up eating amazing food and trying to imitate their language.
  • Make Your Own Artisan Cheese
This is just fucking weird.  Make cheese together?  I don't know about you, but if I went over to a friend's house and they offered me cheese they had made themselves, I would be totally freaked out.  First of all, I don't eat food that came out of an animal's breast - I was weened a long time ago.  Second of all, I don't think I would trust any friend of mine to make cheese that wouldn't absolutely kill me.  I certainly wouldn't trust James and I to make cheese.  Sometimes the dinners we make can be a little suspect - especially when we're being creative.  If we put together a recipe for cheese, made it and ate it, our roommates would find us dead and bloated on the floor of the kitchen.  They would wail and raise their fists to the heavens and cry, "DAMN YOU, HOMEMADE ARTISAN CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!"
  • Walk Everywhere For A Day
We live in New York City.  We already walk everywhere.  If James woke me up in the morning all excited and was all, "Baby, we are going to do something special today!  Today we're going to walk everywhere!" I'd tell him to go fuck himself, roll over and go back to sleep.
  • Spend A Week At Sea 
This isn't a fun time together - that is being stranded!  You know those movies where the ships will be out in the middle of the ocean and there won't be any wind and they won't move for days and people run out of water and start eating each other and fall into the depths of despair?  You want me to do THAT with my beloved?  That's not a fun activity together, that's a test to see who'll make it through alive.
  • Spend The Night In A Haunted House Together 
This ranks right up there with Get Abducted by Aliens Together or Get Possessed By A Demon Together.  I mean, come on, you have to admit something like this could really turn out badly.  "Oh we had such a great time until that ghost strangled me while whispering demonic nothings into my ear."
  • Swim In The Ocean With A Large Fish
To quote The Miz - Really?  A large fish.  Um, how about a mammal.  Like a whale.  Even that would scare the shit outta me.  But a large fish?  Sharks are large fish.  Just in general, a large fish seems like a bad idea.  Anything that can be labeled "large" probably also falls under the category of "Things That Can Brutally Maim You And/Or Eat Your Face".  What about Spend Time With A Large Predator?  We could do that.  Yeah, just go right up and snuggle with that grizzly bear.  They love that.  Lions love it when humans invade their personal space.  Hyenas have the strongest jaw in the animal kingdom, but I am sure its because of all the kisses they like to give!
  • Teach Her How To Build A Campfire
My problem with this is not the activity all that much, but the phrasing.  Teach HER how to build a campfire?  Um, excuse me?  Most of the men I know wouldn't know a fire from a hole in the ground (which you should dig if you are going to build a fire).  How about I teach you how to build a fire and then we burn your antiquated, sexist ideas?  That seems like a good activity.  And what do you do after you build a fire?  Stare at it and say, "Yep.  That's a fire."  Third degree burns and trips to the hospital are also good bonding activities, and can also result from this!
  • Volunteer At A Soup Kitchen Over A Holiday
So, either you'll end up feeling really shitty for actually having stuff while other people have nothing, or you'll catch hepatitis.  I guess that would be bonding.  You could take your meds together, get new kidneys together, all that crazy good time!  
  • Eat Dinner At The Table For A Week
Don't have a dinner table.

  • Go On A 24 Hour Cleanse Together
This must have been suggested by someone who's never done a cleanse.  When yogis do cleanses, they are already coming off a diet of eating leaves and the morning dew off a daisy, so its not a big deal to eat nothing.  But normal people get nasty and cranky and you're pooping a lot and you want to eat so bad so you lash out and by the end of the day you've gotten in a huge fight and broken up and this list was for naught.

All the others were about making dinner for each other. 

Fuck that, order in, wear pj's, watch tv and chill.

Boom.  Bonding.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

People Are Weird. Just . . . Weird.

Continuing with the whole babies and insanity vein . . .

The concept of empty nest syndrome has been on my mind lately, as my folks will soon be without children at home as my brother has just graduated college and has a good job and will no doubt be getting his own place as soon as living at home drives him completely out of his mind.

I actually think my parents won't have much trouble with having the house to themselves.  They enjoy each other enough that they will relish the opportunity to each to know each other again without the bother of their offspring underfoot.

This is not always the case, it seems.  Many parents feel very sad and depressed when their kids exeunt stage right.  This can be extreme, even leading to feeling like you are at the end of your useful life, excessive crying and not wanting to have any interaction between your friends or co-workers.

Rather than give these people real advice and tell them to get a dog, a recent website suggested something obviously more useful and not at all crazy.

I read on this website - which is clearly based in strong scientific fact - that getting a life-like baby doll is the best way to combat the vanished baby blues.

You can specify whatever you want these dolls to look like.  Do you miss your daughter's baby days?  You can send pictures to this place and they will make a complete replica in doll-form.

For example:

Eyes, hair - everything essential to bringing back a time in your life where you weren't sleeping, you barely had time to pee and your life as you knew it belonged to a screaming lump of flesh.  

Kinda cute, huh?  But wait, what if your baby was a monster?  What if it looked like this:

Why would you want something like that hanging around your house?  I mean, it must have looked scary enough when it was an actual baby, but having a super creepy doll that just sits around and surprises you at your most vulnerable - like when you wake up in the middle of the night with it staring down at you with a hungering desire for your soul.

Wait a tick, any specifications at all?  You mean if I have true insanity I can make all my crazy-ass delusions come true?  You mean I can make a baby look like this:

One moment.  Let's look at another angle of this breathtaking creation:

Someone wanted a little fairy baby.  Apparently getting a replica of their own child was not satisfactory.  The life they created wasn't good enough, they needed something better!

Bet their kid felt great about that.

But now the possibilities are endless!  What about this?

A monkey baby!  Better than a human baby!  And look, its smiling!  Playing with a ball!  But a monkey, so its better!

Whats better than a monkey?  How about a zombie baby!

Yeah, that's fucking cute.  And now with all the Twilight bullshit what with Bella and Edward making an awful vampire baby, people are going to start getting those too.

I despair for the future.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Give Me A Puppy or a Kitten Any Day

I have reached the point in the life of the American female where everywhere I look I have friends who are getting married and making new human beings out of an activity that I have always looked upon as simply fun, exciting and a great way to spend a rainy afternoon, but not life changing.  After getting engaged myself - although god knows when the actual wedding will take place - I have been bombarded by questions of when my better half and I will be adding to the population like good red-blooded Americans should.

The answer has always been way in the future, if it ever happens at all.

I never played with dolls or pretended to be a mom or anything like that.  Those games always seemed monumentally boring to me - I much preferred running, jumping, climbing trees, riding horses, fighting with boys and getting lost and dirty in the woods behind my childhood home.  

My own mother has advised me not to have children.  Honestly, after having to deal with me as an infant and toddler I have no idea why they decided to have my brother.

To be fair, they do love him more.

Anyway, regardless of my own desires and advice from all and sundry, I can't help but wonder about that whole procreation thing.  Would I be a good mother?  Recently on CNN I read an article entitled "9 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Child".  Perfect, I thought.  I'll read that and see if I would say those things to my child, and based on that decide if I should make babies.

Seems like solid logic, no?

Ok, here we go.

1. "Leave me alone!"

Shit, we are already off to a bad start.  According to the article, this includes phrases like, "Don't bother me," and "I'm busy."  I would say all of this to my kid.  Cause sometimes I am busy!  Actually, I'm busy a lot.  Like right now.  I'm writing.  If I had a little sentient being tugging on me, begging me to see his or her newest accomplishment - like walking or using the toilet (both of which I do all the time - get over it!) - I would probably be like, "Um, can't you see that I am working and I never wanted to have you in the first place?"

Hold tight, readers, we still have eight more to go.

2.  "You're so . . ."

I didn't understand this one until I read the rest of the paragraph.  This is stuff like, "Why are you so mean?", "How could you be such a klutz?", or "She's my shy one."  This includes seemingly positive things, like calling your child smart.  Apparently young children believe what they hear without question (stupid) and saying things like this can pigeon-hole children and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Honestly, that's kinda awesome.  If I had a kid, I'd say things like, "You are the new world leader - the children around you are chattel and meant to serve you.  You are Alexander, Ghengis Khan and Charlemagne reborn. Go forth and take back what's yours!"

Yeah, that'd turn out really positive.

3.  "Don't cry."

This includes "Don't be sad," "Don't be a baby," and even "There's no reason to be afraid."  So this logic is based on the idea that children have complex feelings and telling them "Don't be . . ." gives the impression that their feelings are invalid and can lead to stunted emotions later in life.  Ok, even parents have to admit - sometimes kids' feelings ARE invalid.  Scared of the dark?  Don't be dumb.  Be scared of something that makes sense.  Like alien abduction.  That's terrifying.  

I'm just saying they should actually be afraid of what's actually scary.

4.  "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

Making comparisons between children can make the less desirable child feel like you want them to be someone other then they are.  Understandable, though I think I am not out of line to point out that these comparisons make the other child in the equation feel awesome!  If you have two kids and one is obviously a fuck up, doing everything you can to nurture the one who might actually make something of themselves and thus be able to take care of you later in life (remember, we probably won't have Social Security to fall back on), seems like a good strategy for the future.

This is all about self preservation, people.  

5.  "You know better than that!"

Other phrases that fall under this category include "I can't believe you did that!" and "Its about time!"  This is getting a little ridiculous.  If I have a child that has ears and can speak and understand English and I tell them not to do something and then they do it, they sure as shit are going to be hearing this phrase!  Even if they don't have ears and don't speak English, you'd have to be pretty thick to not to get when someone is displeased about something you did.   And if someone, like your mother, is upset about something you did, don't fucking do it.

6.  "Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!"

Now I'm not supposed to threaten my own child?  Listen, if I make a another human being and destroy my rather attractive body while doing so, I will be able to threaten that creature.  Apparently spanking and physical reprimanding of children has been shown ineffectual in changing behavior for the positive.  I have only one thing to say about that.

You just aren't smacking 'em hard enough!

7.  "Wait till Daddy gets home!"

This one I agree with.  Postponing discipline makes it more difficult for the child to connect the discipline with whatever the hell they did wrong this time.  This is actually very similar to the way you would correct an animal.  If your dog shits on the floor and you find it hours later, you really can't rub their face in it and expect them to remember that its their poop.  If you catch the animal in the act and yell at them while they're doing it, they can link the act with your disapproval.  Whats more, its like, come on, grow a set and discipline the kid!  No need to wait for Daddy, pick up the belt and do it yourself.

8.  "Hurry up!"

Ok, now this is just silly.  Now they are saying that yelling at the kid for being a slow-poke and making you late can just make them feel guilty.  Let me tell you, they SHOULD feel guilty!  What if I am on my way to an audition with Stephen Spielberg?  You make me late?  You loose me millions of dollars?  You aren't just going to feel guilty, you're going to feel broken legs too. Then at least you'll have a reason to be late.  Cause you can't walk!

9.  "Great job!" or "Good girl!"

I can't threaten and I can't praise?  What the crap?  I do agree you should only praise things that deserve praise and not every little thing.  When I was a kid and I didn't win a match or score high enough on a jumping course or if I feel off the balance beam, I didn't get a frikin trophy.  In karate I got the shit beaten out of me, horseback riding I had to spend more time on the horse which meant terrible aching muscles and in gymnastics I would be strapped into a machine that would hold me in center splits for hours.

All that is true, by the way.

Ok, so what have we learned from this?

In my own humble opinion, either I would raise the next great mind in human history, or the anti-Christ.

Strangely enough, I am totally ok with either one of these options.

Fuck, I guess I have to have a baby now.