Tuesday, July 19, 2011

People Are Weird. Just . . . Weird.

Continuing with the whole babies and insanity vein . . .

The concept of empty nest syndrome has been on my mind lately, as my folks will soon be without children at home as my brother has just graduated college and has a good job and will no doubt be getting his own place as soon as living at home drives him completely out of his mind.

I actually think my parents won't have much trouble with having the house to themselves.  They enjoy each other enough that they will relish the opportunity to each to know each other again without the bother of their offspring underfoot.

This is not always the case, it seems.  Many parents feel very sad and depressed when their kids exeunt stage right.  This can be extreme, even leading to feeling like you are at the end of your useful life, excessive crying and not wanting to have any interaction between your friends or co-workers.

Rather than give these people real advice and tell them to get a dog, a recent website suggested something obviously more useful and not at all crazy.

I read on this website - which is clearly based in strong scientific fact - that getting a life-like baby doll is the best way to combat the vanished baby blues.

You can specify whatever you want these dolls to look like.  Do you miss your daughter's baby days?  You can send pictures to this place and they will make a complete replica in doll-form.

For example:

Eyes, hair - everything essential to bringing back a time in your life where you weren't sleeping, you barely had time to pee and your life as you knew it belonged to a screaming lump of flesh.  

Kinda cute, huh?  But wait, what if your baby was a monster?  What if it looked like this:

Why would you want something like that hanging around your house?  I mean, it must have looked scary enough when it was an actual baby, but having a super creepy doll that just sits around and surprises you at your most vulnerable - like when you wake up in the middle of the night with it staring down at you with a hungering desire for your soul.

Wait a tick, any specifications at all?  You mean if I have true insanity I can make all my crazy-ass delusions come true?  You mean I can make a baby look like this:

One moment.  Let's look at another angle of this breathtaking creation:

Someone wanted a little fairy baby.  Apparently getting a replica of their own child was not satisfactory.  The life they created wasn't good enough, they needed something better!

Bet their kid felt great about that.

But now the possibilities are endless!  What about this?

A monkey baby!  Better than a human baby!  And look, its smiling!  Playing with a ball!  But a monkey, so its better!

Whats better than a monkey?  How about a zombie baby!

Yeah, that's fucking cute.  And now with all the Twilight bullshit what with Bella and Edward making an awful vampire baby, people are going to start getting those too.

I despair for the future.

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