Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What About Commit Genocide Together?

Relationships are odd monsters. 

There is so much pressure to find that perfect someone and then keep that perfect someone and make lots of little perfect replicas of your perfect union in the form of sentient beings who will then in turn find perfect someones to be with and spread your combined perfect-ness throughout the ages.

It's the mortal human's form of immortality.

But hold your horses - how do you get to that point?  How do you find that perfect someone?  And the big question, how do you keep the both of you happy?

Honestly, I have found being truly in love and staying away from lying and all that tends to work wonders, but what, my lovelies, does the internet have to say?

I found this Facebook page recently, all about activities to do with your better half.  I was particularly tickled by this, mostly because it seemed like a way to plan out things that should usually be spontaneous.  There were over 100 suggestions on how to keep each other happy.  So I decided to be cynical and pick the ones that were the most stupid and make fun of them.

You know, like you do.

  • Do A Home Improvement Project With Your Neighbor 

Um, isn't this supposed to be a list to bring couples closer together?  I mean, this could have simply been "Do A Home Improvement Project Together."  My fiance and I painted the apartment together recently.  That was kinda fun, I guess.  But if we had invited our Greek neighbors over we would have just ended up eating amazing food and trying to imitate their language.
  • Make Your Own Artisan Cheese
This is just fucking weird.  Make cheese together?  I don't know about you, but if I went over to a friend's house and they offered me cheese they had made themselves, I would be totally freaked out.  First of all, I don't eat food that came out of an animal's breast - I was weened a long time ago.  Second of all, I don't think I would trust any friend of mine to make cheese that wouldn't absolutely kill me.  I certainly wouldn't trust James and I to make cheese.  Sometimes the dinners we make can be a little suspect - especially when we're being creative.  If we put together a recipe for cheese, made it and ate it, our roommates would find us dead and bloated on the floor of the kitchen.  They would wail and raise their fists to the heavens and cry, "DAMN YOU, HOMEMADE ARTISAN CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!"
  • Walk Everywhere For A Day
We live in New York City.  We already walk everywhere.  If James woke me up in the morning all excited and was all, "Baby, we are going to do something special today!  Today we're going to walk everywhere!" I'd tell him to go fuck himself, roll over and go back to sleep.
  • Spend A Week At Sea 
This isn't a fun time together - that is being stranded!  You know those movies where the ships will be out in the middle of the ocean and there won't be any wind and they won't move for days and people run out of water and start eating each other and fall into the depths of despair?  You want me to do THAT with my beloved?  That's not a fun activity together, that's a test to see who'll make it through alive.
  • Spend The Night In A Haunted House Together 
This ranks right up there with Get Abducted by Aliens Together or Get Possessed By A Demon Together.  I mean, come on, you have to admit something like this could really turn out badly.  "Oh we had such a great time until that ghost strangled me while whispering demonic nothings into my ear."
  • Swim In The Ocean With A Large Fish
To quote The Miz - Really?  A large fish.  Um, how about a mammal.  Like a whale.  Even that would scare the shit outta me.  But a large fish?  Sharks are large fish.  Just in general, a large fish seems like a bad idea.  Anything that can be labeled "large" probably also falls under the category of "Things That Can Brutally Maim You And/Or Eat Your Face".  What about Spend Time With A Large Predator?  We could do that.  Yeah, just go right up and snuggle with that grizzly bear.  They love that.  Lions love it when humans invade their personal space.  Hyenas have the strongest jaw in the animal kingdom, but I am sure its because of all the kisses they like to give!
  • Teach Her How To Build A Campfire
My problem with this is not the activity all that much, but the phrasing.  Teach HER how to build a campfire?  Um, excuse me?  Most of the men I know wouldn't know a fire from a hole in the ground (which you should dig if you are going to build a fire).  How about I teach you how to build a fire and then we burn your antiquated, sexist ideas?  That seems like a good activity.  And what do you do after you build a fire?  Stare at it and say, "Yep.  That's a fire."  Third degree burns and trips to the hospital are also good bonding activities, and can also result from this!
  • Volunteer At A Soup Kitchen Over A Holiday
So, either you'll end up feeling really shitty for actually having stuff while other people have nothing, or you'll catch hepatitis.  I guess that would be bonding.  You could take your meds together, get new kidneys together, all that crazy good time!  
  • Eat Dinner At The Table For A Week
Don't have a dinner table.

  • Go On A 24 Hour Cleanse Together
This must have been suggested by someone who's never done a cleanse.  When yogis do cleanses, they are already coming off a diet of eating leaves and the morning dew off a daisy, so its not a big deal to eat nothing.  But normal people get nasty and cranky and you're pooping a lot and you want to eat so bad so you lash out and by the end of the day you've gotten in a huge fight and broken up and this list was for naught.

All the others were about making dinner for each other. 

Fuck that, order in, wear pj's, watch tv and chill.

Boom.  Bonding.

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