Tuesday, January 11, 2011

They Also Eat Frogs In France. Nasty.

Let's face it.  From time to time, whether from accepted social morays or mother nature herself, we are forced to do things that make us incredibly unattractive.  I'm not talking about the already known, acceptable things like vomiting or picking your nose (in some cultures, this is completely accepted.  Don't ask me which ones, cause I kinda made that up.  But I am sure it's accepted somewhere.  Fuck, in France people eat snails.  That's fucked up.  I mean, snails?  Who looked at a snail and was all, "I'm gonna eat the shit outta that!"  Not me, that's who. . . . . Back to the blog.) or orgasm-ing (yeah, come on, we all look dumb when this happens, don't think you're special.  You probably look all kinds of weird when you reach that special moment.  Yeah, cause you know what, you are not a unique snowflake.  You are just like the rest of us, and the face you pull when you orgasm is silly and odd and, taken out of context, probably insulting to some tribe in the Amazon rain forest.  Just try and prove me wrong on that one.  You won't, cause then you'd have to go to the Amazon and its not the season right now.).  The forced unattractiveness that I speak of happens every day.

Come, take a journey with me . . . .  

Drinking from straws (men only) - Have you ever watched a man try to drink anything from a straw?  Whether it's straight, bendy or twisty, and no matter what said man has been talking about previously, he will always look like a girl-y man.  He could be threatening that he's coming and hell's coming with him, he could be showing off scars he got from hunting sharks or telling a large audience how we will not go quietly into the night, we will not vanish without a fight, how we're going to live, we're going to survive, that today we celebrate our Independence Day.  If as soon as  he was done doing these manly things he purses up his lips and take a sip of soda pop, all the manliness that previously occurred would be erased.

Yawning (ladies and gents) - Let's face it, no matter who you are, when you yawn, everyone looks like a freak.  Yawning takes your features, and for some reasons any negative features you might have, and highlights them.  Lets say you have large nostrils.  A yawn will make you tip your head back slightly, giving all around a a clear view up your nose, all the way to your brain, not to mention stretching your already large schnozz (sp?) out to epic proportions.  If you have cystic acne the pressure you create in your own face by yawning will make every pimple will turn bright/dark red.  And if you are just plain ugly to begin with, you run the risk of turning even Medusa to stone.  On a side not, every time I've typed the word "yawn", I have had to do so.

Chewing gum (both genders) - Ok, if you have read my previous post I Could Easy Be A Serial Killer you will think that this is personal.  Well, it is.  But when have you ever looked at a person chewing gum and thought, "Wow, that is one attractive bitch/bastard"?  Never, that's when!

Spitting (lad or lassie, but I have never seen a woman spit) - I was debating putting this lovely habit on here, because I know for many people it is acceptable.  And I do understand the impetus behind the action, especially if the subject is sick.  But there is nothing worse than admiring a handsome man out of the corner of your eye only to then have him hack out a yellow-green ball of ooze.  Even just seeing the aftermath of this awful yet innocent act is harrowing enough, but actually seeing it occur could drive you to therapy.  I mean, not literally drive.  Like, in a car.  Or a bus.  Cause loogies can't drive.  They momentarily experience the miracle of flight before crashing to the ground with a short yet pronounced "splat".  And its gross, so don't do it.

What did we learn from this blog today, guys and ghouls?  That I need to get a refill on my Adderall perscription, cause my ADD is back in full force!

O, look at the kitty!

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