Something You Don't Have To Read!

Hello, lovelies!

We're taking a break from our regularly scheduled programming so I can share some videos I've been working on the past few days.

And no, not those kinds of videos.  I don't give that shit away for free.

Here's my stand up reel, give it a watch, let me know what you think:

Stand Up Reel

And here's a skit illustrating how useful yoga is when getting mugged:

Yoga Mugging

Enjoy!

Because If You Live Close to The Coast, You're More Open Minded

Correct me if I'm wrong, but for the last 40 years America has been obsessed with health and healthy products.

At least places that are a couple hundred miles from the coasts.  All those fat people seem to populate the inside states.

Everyone seems to be on a quest to find the answer.  How to lose the weight?  How to beat that unbeatable foe, aging?  How to get in the preemptive strikes against things like cancer and old person brain and death? 

One of my money jobs is at a yoga studio, and working there I see and hear about all kinds of "cures", things that "work".  Some people are frikin' crazy with the things they come up with.  For example, the yoga that is practiced at our studio is Bikram Yoga - yoga done in a room heated to about 105 degrees with 50-60% humidity.  This is already an extreme yoga, yet some people feel the need to intensify an already intense experience.  There are some choice individuals who not only wear long pants and long sleeves, but also wear another layer over that - it appears to be a thick plastic bag in the shape of a full body suit.  Apparently it intensifies the heat.  Because that's what you want to do in a room that's 105 degrees already.

I'm going to clue you, my lovely readers, in on a secret.  There is no single food or exercise or theory or diet that will work for every single person.  The road to health is an extremely individual journey.  But doing things like eating properly and exercising in some form, you will totally get closer.

But I always find it funny when people do things for their "health" that they hate.  It makes no sense to me.  I love Bikram Yoga, I've been doing it for almost 7 years because of that simple fact.  I love fresh fruit and vegetables and fish and good meat and stuff like that. 

Tofu - for me - is mostly pretty gross.  It has to be prepared in just the right way in order for me to like it.  So I don't eat that much of it.  I know that it has a lot of protein and is supposed to be all good for you, but its icky to me, and why would I put myself through something just because?  If something is nasty, it's nasty.

Today on the way home from my other money job - catering, not stripping - there was a woman next to me on the subway.  As we were riding along she pulled out a bag of dried fruit and began to eat.  If you have read any of my other posts you might remember that listening to people eat drives me bat-shit crazy, and thus I tend to be hyper-aware of people when they eat near me.  The fruit she was eating was the all natural dried fruit, fruit that has simply been put in a dehydrator and had nothing else added.  Not the good kind, where they put a slice of fruit in a barrel full of sugar and let it sit for a month and a half, so when it comes out its about 2% fruit and 768% sweet, delicious candy-like wonderfulness.  Fruit that has simply been dehydrated tastes like a combination of cardboard and old cardboard.  It's as easy to eat, too.

This woman gnawed and chewed and desperately tried to ingest this so-called "food", the whole time with the most awful look on her face.  And it wasn't just her face, I stole a look at her after she was done and she had a normal-ish face that didn't look unhappy to be alive. 

It just made me wonder why she would do that, why would she eat something that was so displeasing to her.  What is the point in extending your life if you're unhappy when you are living it?  I'm not a crazy-go-nuts kinda of person, I don't party like crazy or sleep with bunches of guys - and I love my life.  I love my family and what I do for a living and the people I keep around me.

Why would I fuck that up by eating something disagreeable? 

I WOULDN'T!  BOOYAH!

The Towel Was Only A Dollar

I was working at my yoga studio today and I had an interesting thought after a particularly infuriating exchange with a student who needs more than yoga to mend their emotional problems - I'm thinking lithium.  

I work very hard not to say what I am really thinking.  My impulse is often to say things that would be considered painful to many, whereas I see it as, yes, a blunt, yet simple, truth.  You can think of it as a female version of Simon Cowell, only American and with more cursing.

For example, if someone is acting like a rancid whore and throwing an puerile tantrum just because they are required to pay a dollar for and extra towel, I simper and smile and tell them I am sorry, but that's policy and that they are more than welcome to bring their own towels and blah blah blah blah blah.

Inside I am howling.

This, for me, brings up the question of karma.  The idea that the energy you give out comes back to you.  That the way you treat people is the way you will be treated.  The golden rule - "One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself," - is a watered down explanation of karma.

As I was watching this person ranting about how unfair it was to charge them a whole dollar for a third towel after the first two were free made me consider karma again.  Obviously, this is a person who has a nasty streak.  I can't be the first person who they have let loose on.  Therefore, this is not a person who is concerned with the energy that is coming back at them.

Suddenly, it hit me.  What if I was supposed to be this person's bad karma?  What if I was supposed to be the person to gave this bonehead their awful, terrible karma right back?  Maybe the delightful responsibility of making this person realize just how terrible and empty their life is, was laid before my feet by the great, delicious universe.

And I didn't do it.

Then I thought, am I going to be in trouble for not doing my karmic duty?  (Hehehe, duty.)  I mean, am I going to have bad karma now that I didn't give that bad karma back to the nasty fruit of adultery that had just left the building?  Is that how karma works?  It would be a great assignment, being in charge of the bad karma for another person.  

Think about it, if I am a good, loving person to everyone, including the nasties, how will the nasties get what's coming to them?  They're just going to go around being awful and terrible, while we nice observers of the karmic light go around being stepped on.

I think its time to become Warriors for Karma.  Our job will be to go around to all the offensive, repulsive humanoids on the planet and give them whats coming to them, whether that be a thorough tongue-lashing or a good, old fashion punch in the mouth.

I'll be taking volunteers.  We're gonna stir shit up. 

How Long Before I Actually Kill Someone?

I'm pretty sure I had a thought today that solidifies my status as a horrible person.

I was walking down 41st street between 7th and 8th avenue in New York City, heading to the subway to get home to Astoria.  In front of me, a man walking briskly - the proper way to walk when in NYC.  Behind him, a rather large woman, struggling to keep up with him.  I noticed this, feeling a twinge of annoyance as she was between me and the subway and New Yorkers will tell you - do not get in our way when we have somewhere to go, it makes us angry.  However, like a good citizen of the world, I held my tongue. 

A space opened up to the side of the large woman, and I took the opportunity and passed the couple.  As I did, I heard the woman complain to the man, "Dan, you're walking really fast!"

In my head, I answered back, "Well, you're walking really fat."

I have a tendency of having smart alec-y / nasty thoughts about people as I walk down the street.  Mostly if I am on my way somewhere - an audition, a booking, a survival job - I am moving around the city ALL the time.  Invariably, there is often a slow moving humanoid in front of me.  The creature has a tendency to drift around the sidewalk at the exact same time that I am attempting to pass them.  A strange dance ensues that is accompanied by a string of profanity and nasty comments being screamed inside my head.

Hey, this is New York, I am not going to say these things out loud.  You never know when the person you are trying to pass is actually crazier than you.


The only phrase I have been saying out loud has been in direct response to people being stupid.  When I get a group of tourists walking toward me, looking up at the tall buildings (wow, they're so tall!) I will say, loudly, "Look where you're going!"  I think this is a completely sane response to people being idiots.  At least I'm not hacking at them with a machete to clear a path the subway they are blocking.  Although I have been tempted . . .

I have noticed that when I am most exhausted, my mind tirades actually become less curse-filled and more strange and personally insulting.


It was very late one night / early one morning and I was coming home after work (catering, people, I only strip on the lunch shift) and a person in front of me was blocking my way down the subway stairs.  I screamed in my head, "Out of my way, person of dubious gender!"


My next thought was how strange I hadn't included any curses.


I need to go to yoga more.