People Are Weird. Just . . . Weird.

Continuing with the whole babies and insanity vein . . .

The concept of empty nest syndrome has been on my mind lately, as my folks will soon be without children at home as my brother has just graduated college and has a good job and will no doubt be getting his own place as soon as living at home drives him completely out of his mind.

I actually think my parents won't have much trouble with having the house to themselves.  They enjoy each other enough that they will relish the opportunity to each to know each other again without the bother of their offspring underfoot.

This is not always the case, it seems.  Many parents feel very sad and depressed when their kids exeunt stage right.  This can be extreme, even leading to feeling like you are at the end of your useful life, excessive crying and not wanting to have any interaction between your friends or co-workers.

Rather than give these people real advice and tell them to get a dog, a recent website suggested something obviously more useful and not at all crazy.

I read on this website - which is clearly based in strong scientific fact - that getting a life-like baby doll is the best way to combat the vanished baby blues.

You can specify whatever you want these dolls to look like.  Do you miss your daughter's baby days?  You can send pictures to this place and they will make a complete replica in doll-form.

For example:

Eyes, hair - everything essential to bringing back a time in your life where you weren't sleeping, you barely had time to pee and your life as you knew it belonged to a screaming lump of flesh.  

Kinda cute, huh?  But wait, what if your baby was a monster?  What if it looked like this:

Why would you want something like that hanging around your house?  I mean, it must have looked scary enough when it was an actual baby, but having a super creepy doll that just sits around and surprises you at your most vulnerable - like when you wake up in the middle of the night with it staring down at you with a hungering desire for your soul.

Wait a tick, any specifications at all?  You mean if I have true insanity I can make all my crazy-ass delusions come true?  You mean I can make a baby look like this:

One moment.  Let's look at another angle of this breathtaking creation:

Someone wanted a little fairy baby.  Apparently getting a replica of their own child was not satisfactory.  The life they created wasn't good enough, they needed something better!

Bet their kid felt great about that.

But now the possibilities are endless!  What about this?

A monkey baby!  Better than a human baby!  And look, its smiling!  Playing with a ball!  But a monkey, so its better!

Whats better than a monkey?  How about a zombie baby!

Yeah, that's fucking cute.  And now with all the Twilight bullshit what with Bella and Edward making an awful vampire baby, people are going to start getting those too.

I despair for the future.

Give Me A Puppy or a Kitten Any Day

I have reached the point in the life of the American female where everywhere I look I have friends who are getting married and making new human beings out of an activity that I have always looked upon as simply fun, exciting and a great way to spend a rainy afternoon, but not life changing.  After getting engaged myself - although god knows when the actual wedding will take place - I have been bombarded by questions of when my better half and I will be adding to the population like good red-blooded Americans should.

The answer has always been way in the future, if it ever happens at all.

I never played with dolls or pretended to be a mom or anything like that.  Those games always seemed monumentally boring to me - I much preferred running, jumping, climbing trees, riding horses, fighting with boys and getting lost and dirty in the woods behind my childhood home.  

My own mother has advised me not to have children.  Honestly, after having to deal with me as an infant and toddler I have no idea why they decided to have my brother.

To be fair, they do love him more.

Anyway, regardless of my own desires and advice from all and sundry, I can't help but wonder about that whole procreation thing.  Would I be a good mother?  Recently on CNN I read an article entitled "9 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Child".  Perfect, I thought.  I'll read that and see if I would say those things to my child, and based on that decide if I should make babies.

Seems like solid logic, no?

Ok, here we go.

1. "Leave me alone!"

Shit, we are already off to a bad start.  According to the article, this includes phrases like, "Don't bother me," and "I'm busy."  I would say all of this to my kid.  Cause sometimes I am busy!  Actually, I'm busy a lot.  Like right now.  I'm writing.  If I had a little sentient being tugging on me, begging me to see his or her newest accomplishment - like walking or using the toilet (both of which I do all the time - get over it!) - I would probably be like, "Um, can't you see that I am working and I never wanted to have you in the first place?"

Hold tight, readers, we still have eight more to go.

2.  "You're so . . ."

I didn't understand this one until I read the rest of the paragraph.  This is stuff like, "Why are you so mean?", "How could you be such a klutz?", or "She's my shy one."  This includes seemingly positive things, like calling your child smart.  Apparently young children believe what they hear without question (stupid) and saying things like this can pigeon-hole children and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Honestly, that's kinda awesome.  If I had a kid, I'd say things like, "You are the new world leader - the children around you are chattel and meant to serve you.  You are Alexander, Ghengis Khan and Charlemagne reborn. Go forth and take back what's yours!"

Yeah, that'd turn out really positive.

3.  "Don't cry."

This includes "Don't be sad," "Don't be a baby," and even "There's no reason to be afraid."  So this logic is based on the idea that children have complex feelings and telling them "Don't be . . ." gives the impression that their feelings are invalid and can lead to stunted emotions later in life.  Ok, even parents have to admit - sometimes kids' feelings ARE invalid.  Scared of the dark?  Don't be dumb.  Be scared of something that makes sense.  Like alien abduction.  That's terrifying.  

I'm just saying they should actually be afraid of what's actually scary.

4.  "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

Making comparisons between children can make the less desirable child feel like you want them to be someone other then they are.  Understandable, though I think I am not out of line to point out that these comparisons make the other child in the equation feel awesome!  If you have two kids and one is obviously a fuck up, doing everything you can to nurture the one who might actually make something of themselves and thus be able to take care of you later in life (remember, we probably won't have Social Security to fall back on), seems like a good strategy for the future.

This is all about self preservation, people.  

5.  "You know better than that!"

Other phrases that fall under this category include "I can't believe you did that!" and "Its about time!"  This is getting a little ridiculous.  If I have a child that has ears and can speak and understand English and I tell them not to do something and then they do it, they sure as shit are going to be hearing this phrase!  Even if they don't have ears and don't speak English, you'd have to be pretty thick to not to get when someone is displeased about something you did.   And if someone, like your mother, is upset about something you did, don't fucking do it.

6.  "Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!"

Now I'm not supposed to threaten my own child?  Listen, if I make a another human being and destroy my rather attractive body while doing so, I will be able to threaten that creature.  Apparently spanking and physical reprimanding of children has been shown ineffectual in changing behavior for the positive.  I have only one thing to say about that.

You just aren't smacking 'em hard enough!

7.  "Wait till Daddy gets home!"

This one I agree with.  Postponing discipline makes it more difficult for the child to connect the discipline with whatever the hell they did wrong this time.  This is actually very similar to the way you would correct an animal.  If your dog shits on the floor and you find it hours later, you really can't rub their face in it and expect them to remember that its their poop.  If you catch the animal in the act and yell at them while they're doing it, they can link the act with your disapproval.  Whats more, its like, come on, grow a set and discipline the kid!  No need to wait for Daddy, pick up the belt and do it yourself.

8.  "Hurry up!"

Ok, now this is just silly.  Now they are saying that yelling at the kid for being a slow-poke and making you late can just make them feel guilty.  Let me tell you, they SHOULD feel guilty!  What if I am on my way to an audition with Stephen Spielberg?  You make me late?  You loose me millions of dollars?  You aren't just going to feel guilty, you're going to feel broken legs too. Then at least you'll have a reason to be late.  Cause you can't walk!

9.  "Great job!" or "Good girl!"

I can't threaten and I can't praise?  What the crap?  I do agree you should only praise things that deserve praise and not every little thing.  When I was a kid and I didn't win a match or score high enough on a jumping course or if I feel off the balance beam, I didn't get a frikin trophy.  In karate I got the shit beaten out of me, horseback riding I had to spend more time on the horse which meant terrible aching muscles and in gymnastics I would be strapped into a machine that would hold me in center splits for hours.

All that is true, by the way.

Ok, so what have we learned from this?

In my own humble opinion, either I would raise the next great mind in human history, or the anti-Christ.

Strangely enough, I am totally ok with either one of these options.

Fuck, I guess I have to have a baby now.

Meh.

Hey, Blog. Remember Me?

*tap tap tap*

Hey.  Hey.  Hey, Blog.  How you doing?  

Yeah, yeah, it's been a while.

Well, you know, I've been busy.  

With stuff.  I was on Law & Order, doing stand up, things like that.

I thought about you every day.  Honestly, every day.  Wondering who's been looking at you, all the fun and funny times we had.

Dammit, look at me when I talk to you!  

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to snap.  I know you're been hurt.  I know you feel abandoned.  But we have a chance, Blog.  A chance to start over again.

Yeah, I mean it.  To quote The Lion in Winter (which I did a reading of at the National Arts Club in Gramercy), I want us back, the way we were.

You know it, Blog!  We'll be making fun of people and things and we'll be all irreverent  and yet honest and heartfelt and all that crap!  It'll be BETTER than it was before!  

No, seriously, I believe that.  Well, there is always that possibility, I could get busy again with all kinds of crazy amazing stuff.  God willing that happens, I have bills to pay so I can get on the internet to be with you, Blog!  You need to understand responsibility!

Yes, that is basically what I am saying, I am doing this all for you!  What do you mean I do it for my ego?  That's a terrible thing to say!  YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Why does it always come down to this, Blog?  Why do we always start yelling?  

NO, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!  

OK, FINE, I'M DONE, DO YOU HEAR ME!?!??!  I'M THROUGH WITH THIS.

*stomps away*

...

......

.........

*tap tap tap*

I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it.  

Let's just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

People Really Will Have Sex With Anything

Hold.  The.  Phone.

I have just come across a certain article about a gentleman named Edward Smith.  This is a passionate man.  He sings, writes poetry and makes sweet, sweet love to the object(s) of his affection.

Literally, object.

Edward Smith claims to love and have had sex with 1,000 cars.

Back off, all you Porches out there, Eddie is currently in a relationship with a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla.  Although he does have a bit of a wandering eye - he has also been seen with a 1973 Opal GT named Cinnamon and a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash that goes by the moniker Ginger.

And no, I am not making any of that up.  Not any of it.

Nor am I making up his claim that he has not limited his "mechaphilia" to cars.  A helicopter has also been in his list of sexual partners.

See, this is why I love the internet - I learn so much.  I had no idea that mechaphilia actually existed!  These people have rallies!  There is a story about a young man running naked along the street trying to hump some poor innocent car as it drives away.

No means no, people!

How do you have a sex with a car?  Do you get nasty with a tail pipe?  Rub yourself all over the interior?  Use the gear shift to get to that special moment?

And how do you break up with a car?  Do you sell it?  Would you have to report all the sexual activity to Carmax?  Is there a Blue Book entry for what base you got to with the vehicle?

For that matter, how do you know if a car is male or female?  What if you were in a committed relationship with a wonderful automobile only to realize that it wasn't what you thought it was.  I mean, after confiding your deepest darkest secrets to what you believed was a female car only to realize it was a car in drag? 

I tell ya, it takes the notion of drag racing to a whole new level.

By the way, every episode of The X-Files is now on Hulu Plus.  I could never watch them in the 90s cause my folks thought they were too scary.  Time to do some long overdue rebelling!

We Won't Find Out What Happens On Dancing With The Stars!

Ok, so it has come to my attention recently that this Saturday will be the end of the world.  

First off, I find it odd that I am only finding out about this now.

Last night I was working a catering event, and an amazing (and I mean amazing, she was incredible) middle aged Jamaican woman name Dolores who asked me if I was ready for the Rapture on Saturday.  I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen.  I was then treated to an explanation of what's going to happen and to be ready for global earthquakes that will render the earth uninhabitable.

A gentleman by the name of Robert Fitzpatrick has written a book that you can buy on Ebay or download for free here (?) that explains his whole theory.  I will warn you, the adobe file is 384 pages long.

I am a relatively intelligent human being.  For some reason, when someone using scientific fact and evidence I find myself being convinced.  When a person uses extensive and obscure Bible quotes to prove a point, I find myself being skeptical.  Especially when they are quotes that don't seem to mean anything.

Things like - "Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober."  Now, that could mean all kinds of things.  Good ol' Robert here is using this as a sign to be vigilant in watching and waiting for the End of Days.  But maybe this was written by someone who was against sleep and partying.  You know, Jesus.

He wrote the Bible, right?

Also, he (Fitzpatrick, not Jesus) isn't really specific.  I mean, should I be ready at midnight for shit to go down?  Do I have a little bit of time in the morning to make the bed and feed the cats before the earth is wracked with heaves and crushing scariness?  If not, no worries, I just want to know what I have time for.

In addition, this guy has spent his life savings - about $140,000 - on billboards, subway ads, and other kinds of commercials and advertising to let people know about the 21st.  

He has convinced OTHER people this is going to happen, there are caravans of people traveling around spreading the word.

I have to say, for his sake, I kinda hope he's right.  I mean, this is not something you can really recover from.  Being wrong about the end of the world is kind of big.  And spending all your money to tell everyone?  I guess its good that he believes so much, this is the type of thing when you should go big or go home.  

Isn't there a whole part of that whole God thing where He likes it better if you are quietly penitent then hugely demonstrative parishioners?

Honestly, the extent of my religious knowledge has come from The Ten Commandments and Jesus Christ Superstar.

Oddly, I've gotten by pretty well on just that information.   

What is this guy gonna do after Saturday?  Even if the world ends on Sunday he's going to be a laughing stock!  You can't be all - um, yeah, I meant Sunday!  The 22nd!  Yeah, that's what I mean!  Did you think I said the 21st?  That was a typo!

The only job he would be suited for after this would be a weather man - everyone is so used to those guys being wrong. 

It's A Good Thing I Don't Have Magical Powers

My James and our friends recently saw Thor in theaters.  Let me say that it was excellent fun and you and all your friends should all see it too.  My boy Ken did me proud.

Not to give away anything, but, as with all the super hero movies, there is an easter egg after the credits.  

If you haven't seen Thor yet, look away!

************SPOILER ALERT!************

At the end of Thor we find Stellan Skarsgard and Samuel L. Jackson in some presumably underground/top secret/confidential/underwater/in some secluded area.  Sammy L is acting all secretive and mysterious and Stellan is trying to keep things light and non-I'm-gonna-kill-you-after-I-tell-you.  

Sam takes out a briefcase (very Pulp Fiction) which opens to reveal THE CUBE OF POWER.  Apparently its this cube that's a really powerful source of unlimited power.

************END OF SPOILER ALERT!************

Has there ever been a "THING OF LIMITED POWER"?  Was there ever a super hero or god who searched and quested for an idol that could blow up, like, four things every twelve hours and must be left in the sun to recharge?  Or a mirror that would bestow the gazer with 50% less acne than they had previously.  Or a scrub brush that, after the correct words had been said over it, it would clean your house - but not the bathroom.  You know, the under-achieving objects in the magical universe.  

I feel like those less desirable magical or powerful objects must be the creator's first attempt at making an object of ultimate-ness.  You know, they had just graduated from Magical Crafting School and they had made one thesis object to graduate but had never actually done one all on their own.  Most start out with slightly mediocre projects, but there are a few stand outs who make something really unique on their first go at it.

Remind you of anything?

There has got to be a Mystical Closet of Forgetting somewhere that holds all the objects that have been created and immediately regretted.  Like, the Holy Fork of Reflux which makes the back of the holder's mouth taste slightly of throw-up.  Or the Blanket of Phoenix Down, which keeps you warm, but always makes you sweaty.   Or the Coin Bank of Legend, that always spits pennies back at you, regardless of what you put in it.  Obviously no one would attempt to make these things, so they would all have to be mistakes, and no one wants anyone knowing about their mistakes.

Or what about objects that were just supposed to be practice and ended up being completely ultimate?  Maybe that's why objects like cubes and rings and books tend to be imbued with awesome power.  It was just practice, so the creator was all, "Ok, I'll just practice on that slightly interesting looking rock.  It's not going to end up being anything."

See, if I was a Creator of Magical Things, I would make stuff that was all powerful, but really annoying to use. Like the Ill-Fitting Suit of Awesomeness.  One sleeve is always shorter than the other, its made of heavy wool so you're all uncomfortable and itchy.  There would be Shoes of the Universe - two left feet of course.  Or the Sphere of Planetary Cosmic-ness - all the power of the universe, but just big enough to to make it incredibly awkward to hold.

Huh, I made it all the way through that blog without referencing any sex toys.

Aw, crap.

Ricky Gervais and I Would Really Get On - He Forbid Gum Chewing on a Set

I was in a situation recently that really makes me question human behavior.

Why on earth do people chew gum?

I think I have mentioned  before that the sound of people eating drives me absolutely bonkers.  As you may surmise, the sound of gum chewing is like a deliberate torture, specially designed for me.  Forget the rack, forget thumb screws - have someone chew gum in my ear and I'll tell you anything.

I was in a situation where there was a woman behind me who was chewing and smacking and blowing bubbles for what felt like hours without end.  

I was nearly driven to acts of desperation and blood lust.

How can anyone find chewing gum attractive?  As soon as I see or hear someone chewing gum I instantly judge them.  I develop a whole persona for them, and it usually involves little to no respect from yours truly.  I would say that it makes me think of cows, placidly chewing their cud.  But it doesn't.  I WISH it made me think of cows.  It actually brings to mind a person who can't bear to have their mouth closed for more than two seconds.  So either they have to have their mouths crammed with some kind of chew-y, chemically substance to have it continually smack open and closed because of some strange jaw issue or its hanging open expressing some terrible opinion or thought.

Just a cathartic release, people. I am aware the way I feel about the gum-chewing members of the population is a terrible generalization; they are not all terrible ingrates with walnut brains.  There is just something about the sound that emanates from the movement of a gum-filled maw that drives me MENTAL.  It crawls into my ears and squirms into the very base of my brain stem and constricts itself.  That means that I MUST strike out to save my life.

That makes sense, doesn't it?