Ricky Gervais and I Would Really Get On - He Forbid Gum Chewing on a Set

I was in a situation recently that really makes me question human behavior.

Why on earth do people chew gum?

I think I have mentioned  before that the sound of people eating drives me absolutely bonkers.  As you may surmise, the sound of gum chewing is like a deliberate torture, specially designed for me.  Forget the rack, forget thumb screws - have someone chew gum in my ear and I'll tell you anything.

I was in a situation where there was a woman behind me who was chewing and smacking and blowing bubbles for what felt like hours without end.  

I was nearly driven to acts of desperation and blood lust.

How can anyone find chewing gum attractive?  As soon as I see or hear someone chewing gum I instantly judge them.  I develop a whole persona for them, and it usually involves little to no respect from yours truly.  I would say that it makes me think of cows, placidly chewing their cud.  But it doesn't.  I WISH it made me think of cows.  It actually brings to mind a person who can't bear to have their mouth closed for more than two seconds.  So either they have to have their mouths crammed with some kind of chew-y, chemically substance to have it continually smack open and closed because of some strange jaw issue or its hanging open expressing some terrible opinion or thought.

Just a cathartic release, people. I am aware the way I feel about the gum-chewing members of the population is a terrible generalization; they are not all terrible ingrates with walnut brains.  There is just something about the sound that emanates from the movement of a gum-filled maw that drives me MENTAL.  It crawls into my ears and squirms into the very base of my brain stem and constricts itself.  That means that I MUST strike out to save my life.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

I Could Easily Be A Serial Killer

We all have certain things that bother us.  Some people hate nails on a chalk board or Nicolas Cage movies.  And yes, while Nicolas Cage movies are insipid and disappointing to the point to nausea, for me there is one experience that just crawls up the back of my neck and stabs my brain.

I can't stand to listen to people eat.  It goes even farther than that.  Any noise that has anything to do with the mouth/nose area is about as pleasant as a root canal.  And it's not even chewing with an open mouth or talking with a mouth full of food - however that will fill me with a Charles Manson-like rage that has a very real danger of becoming an ACTUAL killing frenzy that would rival the Manson killings.

The sound of someone eating food politely, with a closed mouth, has the exact same danger as an impolite person eating like Gary Busey with a cold.  Even the sound of a person swallowing is enough to set me off.  That terrible squishing noise, the gulping sound, the aftermath of the swallowing which somehow has a racket all its own.  It only lasts a fraction of a second, but its there.  The closest I can come to describing it, is as the sound of the muscles in your throat morphing back to their original position.

Yes, I can hear ALL OF THIS.

And chewing gum.  Ho. Ly. Crap.

There have been many a time when I've been sitting on the subway and have had the great fortune to have some great cow sit next to me, snapping and chewing their cud.  Now, when I use the term "cow", this does not just apply to females - many male bovines have filled this description.  And I am aware that a male of that species is called a bull, but when you chew gum like a fucking animal, you are a cow.

And I must add that it is not just other people eating.  I need the TV or music or some other distraction on so I can't hear MYSELF eating.  As a result, I am a very quiet eater.

Now, don't get me started on other noises, like people sniffing snot up their nose, the sound of Styrofoam rubbing against itself and the sound a lozenge makes when it clicks against the inside of people's teeth.  

See, if I had any less restraint, I'd leave scores of bodies in my wake, instead of just screaming obscenities and making people feel bad about their lives and upbringing.