Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ricky Gervais and I Would Really Get On - He Forbid Gum Chewing on a Set

I was in a situation recently that really makes me question human behavior.

Why on earth do people chew gum?

I think I have mentioned  before that the sound of people eating drives me absolutely bonkers.  As you may surmise, the sound of gum chewing is like a deliberate torture, specially designed for me.  Forget the rack, forget thumb screws - have someone chew gum in my ear and I'll tell you anything.

I was in a situation where there was a woman behind me who was chewing and smacking and blowing bubbles for what felt like hours without end.  

I was nearly driven to acts of desperation and blood lust.

How can anyone find chewing gum attractive?  As soon as I see or hear someone chewing gum I instantly judge them.  I develop a whole persona for them, and it usually involves little to no respect from yours truly.  I would say that it makes me think of cows, placidly chewing their cud.  But it doesn't.  I WISH it made me think of cows.  It actually brings to mind a person who can't bear to have their mouth closed for more than two seconds.  So either they have to have their mouths crammed with some kind of chew-y, chemically substance to have it continually smack open and closed because of some strange jaw issue or its hanging open expressing some terrible opinion or thought.

Just a cathartic release, people. I am aware the way I feel about the gum-chewing members of the population is a terrible generalization; they are not all terrible ingrates with walnut brains.  There is just something about the sound that emanates from the movement of a gum-filled maw that drives me MENTAL.  It crawls into my ears and squirms into the very base of my brain stem and constricts itself.  That means that I MUST strike out to save my life.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

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