Hold. The. Phone.
I have just come across a certain article about a gentleman named Edward Smith. This is a passionate man. He sings, writes poetry and makes sweet, sweet love to the object(s) of his affection.
Edward Smith claims to love and have had sex with 1,000 cars.
Back off, all you Porches out there, Eddie is currently in a relationship with a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla. Although he does have a bit of a wandering eye - he has also been seen with a 1973 Opal GT named Cinnamon and a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash that goes by the moniker Ginger.
And no, I am not making any of that up. Not any of it.
Nor am I making up his claim that he has not limited his "mechaphilia" to cars. A helicopter has also been in his list of sexual partners.
See, this is why I love the internet - I learn so much. I had no idea that mechaphilia actually existed! These people have rallies! There is a story about a young man running naked along the street trying to hump some poor innocent car as it drives away.
No means no, people!
How do you have a sex with a car? Do you get nasty with a tail pipe? Rub yourself all over the interior? Use the gear shift to get to that special moment?
And how do you break up with a car? Do you sell it? Would you have to report all the sexual activity to Carmax? Is there a Blue Book entry for what base you got to with the vehicle?
For that matter, how do you know if a car is male or female? What if you were in a committed relationship with a wonderful automobile only to realize that it wasn't what you thought it was. I mean, after confiding your deepest darkest secrets to what you believed was a female car only to realize it was a car in drag?
I tell ya, it takes the notion of drag racing to a whole new level.
By the way, every episode of The X-Files is now on Hulu Plus. I could never watch them in the 90s cause my folks thought they were too scary. Time to do some long overdue rebelling!