Saturday, February 26, 2011

When Its All That's On Tv And You Feel Like Crap . . .

Forgive the lack of posts, business, a sinus headache from the bowels of hell and not being able to breathe through my face have made staring at a computer screen less than desireable.

On the upside, I have learned to absorb oxygen through my skin.

I was lying in bed yesterday with a hot wash cloth pressed against my face to try and alleviate the pain of my skull slowly working it's way through my skin, and I came to a realization.

I hate chick flicks.

I know there are many people out who really enjoy these movies, but I really have a huge problem with these films.  

There are two main categories when it comes to chick flicks.  The Comedy Chick Flick and the Tragedy Chick Flick.  Neither have any redeeming qualities.

The Comedy Chick Flick
This category includes movies like 'Couples Retreat', 'Made of Honor' and '27 Dresses'.  One of the main qualities all these films have in common (other than the fact that they don't really have a cohesive story line) is that they work extraordinarily hard to make the comedy clean and accessible for women, which usually means they completely ruin any chance they have of actually getting any laughs.  For my money, go for the bold, unexpected joke, not the safe, neutral joke about what your boyfriend/husband sounds like when he snores or how he ALWAYS leaves the toilet seat up.  The jokes are recycled and re-recycled.  Not to mention that there is never any doubt as to the ending of these films.  The main girl will end up with the main guy.  We know.  Its been done.  

Here's my idea for the end of one of these movies.

The Main Chick (MC) and Main Dude (MD) are standing together, their arms flung around each other.  They laugh, delighted to end up together after all they've been through.  MD leans down to plant that long awaited kiss on the lips of MC.  

Then a fucking raptor comes up from behind them and eats MD, leaving the MC covered in guts and viscera and weeping, knowing that she would never know true love again.

That shit would make me laugh.

The Tragedy Chick Flick

This includes movies like 'Nights in Rodanthe', 'The Secret Life of Bees', and 'My Sister's Keeper'.  With these movies, they don't necessarily have to have a love story as the main theme.  These can deal with racism, life threatening diseases, far away lovers yearning to be together and other such heart-string pulling motifs.  These movies actually piss me off more than the comedies.  I know exactly how these piece of shit movies are made.  There are a bunch of assholes who sit around a table and think about the worst most terrible things they could do in a  movie that would make people (especially women) cry.  These people are sadists.  They do things like bring two people together who are perfect for each other, then separate them, have them write longing love letters to each other and then kill one of them.  They make us invest in a family story about a child fighting a disease and then kill the child.  They hurt animals, beat children and rip dream to shreds all in name of making some bored housewife feel something other than monotony.

Ok, that was harsh.  

The housewife probably feels resentment too. 

No comments:

Post a Comment