Saturday, December 11, 2010

A New York Holiday Tradition

Today is that most magical of days in New York City when hundreds of people (men and women) dress up as Santa Claus, get piss drunk and run amok all over the city.

Today is one of the days I hate living in New York City.

I work for a yoga studio in the city for my money job, and as I was signing in a class - a very busy class I must add - I got a little bit of that New York magic.

I had just fixed a problem in someone's account, and I look up to the elevator to see four drunken idiots dressed as St Nick falling over each other into our studio.  I asked them what the fuck they thought they were doing. (Nicer, of course.  This is a yoga studio.)  One of them replied, "Oh, this is the wrong floor, we need to go up to the 4th floor!"  There are only four floors in this building.  We are on the 3rd and 4th floor.  Naturally, being the conscientious manager that I am, I  ask them what the fuck they want on the fourth floor?  Nicer, of course, as we do try to promote peace and harmony through physical expression.  One of the sloppier drunken merry old elves kindly replied, "Relax, bitch, my brother's up there."

The only other space on the 4th floor is a single large room that the landlord stashes his mistress and illegitimate son.  Here I had a dilemma, as mouthing off to the landlord's brother, however soused he may be, would be frowned upon.  On the other hand, there was no telling if the fine, upstanding gentleman slouching against the wall before me with a bleary stare and a crooked beard even knew what building he was in. 

I was busy at the desk, so there was no time for me to chase them up the stairs, but I sent one of my co-workers up there to make sure they didn't cause too much trouble.

They did anyway.  Turns out they had no relation to the landlord at all and I missed an opportunity to make a group of tanked Santas cry.  I threatened to call the police and they left, with more than one choice word hurtled in my direction.

I ask you, is there anything worse than a drunk asshole?  Why people drink to that extent is beyond me.  I have never been a drinker, alcohol has never once appealed to me.  It has nothing to do with my family or anything, my dad never came home blind drunk, my mother didn't drown her disappointment in me with a bottle of gin (she would tell me sober and to my face) - I simply never had the desire to drink.

Plus, that alcohol taste is awful.

It just amazes me that people go out of their way and spend a good deal of money to get shit faced.  What a lovely term, by the way.

Alcohol is a depressant.  It slows you down, and enhances whatever you are feeling.  So, if you are sad or angry or - heaven forbid - depressed, you are going to feel that emotion all the more, but with the added benefit of not having a censor button, so you're going to talk about everything you're feeling. 

Even if you are feeling happy and jubilant, because of the way alcohol works, you are going to feel like shit - emotionally and physically - at some point. 

I am not saying that no one should drink or we should go back to the days of prohibition or anything like that, I am simply pointing out the folly of this adult "recreation".  Some people drink just to get a little buzzed and feel good, some honestly enjoy a good wine or a good scotch - these people are not like the girl who vomited in front of my fiance and me on the subway last night. 

Explain to me why weed is illegal?

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