Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Cease and Desist

*Editor's Note - This was obviously written a while ago, but it's been itching for an audience. So deal with it.*

I know people think this is a joke, but there is nothing funny about equality.

Equality is what this country is all about. We as a nation were built on the idea that no one is shown preferential treatment, no one is held higher than another.

I think we all know what I am talking about here.

On behalf of both Halloween and Thanksgiving, I must order the winter holidays to cease and desisted.

Its been happening little by little, my friends. Every year its gotten worse. At first, it was just a couple if Christmas ornaments in TJ Maxx in late September. We’d look at them and say, “Hey, that’s awful funny to see those this time of year!” Slowly that one shelf in the discount stores grew to two shelves, and before you know it, we have an entire section of the store completely dedicated to the major winter holidays of the major religions.

First of all, Jesus wasn’t even born on December 25th. Not even close. The Old Testament puts his birth sometime in the month of September, so we can rule Christmas out entirely as a viable holiday. The date of his birth was actually moved to closely coincide with the winter solstice, so it would be easier for the church to convert pagan tribes to the Christian religion. Christmas is a holiday built on lies and deceit. It is there only to encourage us to consume consume consume!

Hanukkah traditionally has NOTHING to do with giving gifts. It is a celebration of the victory by a small army of Jewish guerrillas against the Syrians, driving them from Israel, after which the Jews reclaimed the Temple and set about purifying it, and the oil which was meant to last one day ended up lasting the eight it took to make more oil. It should be a celebration of the continuation of the Jewish people. Honestly, overall it’s a pretty bad ass holiday, but it needs to stay in its place!

I'm not Jewish, by the way. I was recently ordained a high priestess of all religions - mostly so I can take all the holidays off.

Halloween has never gotten the due it’s deserved in hundreds of years! One of the most ancient of celebrations, the Celts honored Samhain as far back as 800 BCE. That’s before Christ, bitches! With the veil between worlds at its all time thinnest it was a time to dress up in scary costumes to keep evil spirits away, to go door to door to gather food to offer to gods and build BIG ASS bonfires. Can’t we allow ONE DAY for this without sullying it with Christmas waiting in the wings to pull it off stage with one of those big hook thingies. We are messing with other worldly shit here, people!

Let us not forget the most American of holidays, Thanksgiving. We aren’t basing this on a book or oral tradition here, this is shit that really happened! Maybe not exactly the way the teach us in kindergarten, but Honest Abe, Lincoln himself proclaimed the last Thursday of every November to be a day that we thank each other and our very LIVES for our happiness and family and credit cards and SUV s and overly elaborate baby strollers and Lindsay Lohan’s inevitable decline into insanity and everything else that makes us AMERICANS.

All I am saying is give credit where credit’s due, keep the winter holidays in the winter. Let them stay on their side of the line!

Later, I’d like to talk about how rabbits laying eggs has nothing to do with Jesus' zombie –like rise from the grave.

I’m looking at you, Easter!

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