Friday, January 13, 2012

My First Attempt At One Space After A Period. How'd I Do?

An infinite amount of puking kept me from posting this week, and I was just going to say fuck it for today and go have a cup of tea, maybe take a nice bath and read Dune (how many nerds out there just got a boner?) - but then I saw some things on this glorious internet of ours, and I couldn't do anything except comment and write a ridiculous run on sentence.

Keep up, everyone.

I have a system when I get on a computer where I can just fuck around. After checking my email and Facebook, I head to my other websites to read other stupid shit that's been going on. I try to balance it out with a few news websites as well, just so I feel like I'm not a completely ignorant asshole. One of the news sites I peruse is, just to get a different slant on stories.  One story today was completely bananas.

It was a story about this medical team in Mexico getting a heart transplant to its recipient. It was all being done perfectly - it had two doctors accompanying it for its entire journey, it had to be flown on a private jet, then airlifted by helicopter to the hospital where the 20 year old girl was waiting for be given a new lease on life. As they were speed walking from the helicopter to the hospital, one of the guys tipped the cooler over and dumped the fucking heart out onto the pavement.

What the fuck, man?!?!

Ok, the heart was all wrapped in all kinds of crazy protection, it wasn't just laying on the street in the hot sun like a fucking dead fish. Everything was ok and they scooped up the organ, which was undamaged, and stuck it in the girl and it was all good. But how fucking pissed would you be? God knows how long this kid had been waiting to get a new heart. She had probably been put under way before the heart even landed so she would be ready for surgery as soon as the thing got there. They had probably already started the surgery! You can't just wait for the heart to get there before you start hacking someone open, that chest has got to be open and ready for precious cargo!

So you wake up, and you're all cut up and stitched and stapled and everything hurts and maybe for a second you're all, "My ordeal is over. I can start to live a normal life!"  Then you go, "Wait, what the what? This is still the old heart!" (I am assuming you can kinda tell when you have a brand new heart in, it seems like something that would register.) Then the doctor comes over to your bed and goes, "Sooo....Yeah. We were gonna give you a new heart, but we had a little too much to drink last night and we might have been a little stoned and we wanted to see who could throw the heart the farthest. Turns out, it was Juan. His heart-throwing arm is the BEST."

Honestly, for me, I would have preferred that to, "We were idiots and knocked the cooler over, and now you are back to the bottom of the list."  You couldn't even beat the shit outta them, cause you'd be all weak from having a fucked up heart!

If you are interested in seeing the video, its here.

I tell ya, made my heart skip a beat.


I admit, not my best.

The next website I stumbled upon made me really excited. The page title is "10 Kids About To Be Devoured By Zoo Animals [VIDEOS]". That's like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one!

Just to be clear, none of the videos showed any child being eaten. I don't want to have your hopes dashed like mine were. I saw the words "kids", "devoured" and "zoo animals" and I was so excited that no other words mattered. Apparently, when I get excited to see a child die a gruesome death in the jaws of something big and hairy, my reading comprehension goes down the shitter.

But it is a page of ten videos of kids, probably years 7 and younger, who are ambling around the glass enclosures of huge predators, and said predators being absolutely clear what they would do to these delicious morsels.

One things I don't understand is that in most of the videos the parents are laughing behind the camera as the lions paw and snap at the glass and are saying things like, "Oh, Abby, he wants to eat you!" in that fucking awful, parent-talking-to-child voice. That's a great idea, parents. Make it a cute situation. Yeah, its FUN when an animal that could easily bite your fucking head clean off is clearly threatening your safety. And don't bother getting in between your baby and the animal. Teach your child that if put in serious danger, you're gonna stand off to the side with your fucking smart phone, giggling and recording the whole thing, so maybe you can have a viral video on YouTube. You're gonna say, "Oh, Ashley, but there's glass between the kid and the ravenous monster." When a kid is 5 and below, that's not something that is easily understood. Kids brains take a while to develop into something that can process complex thought.

And I need to know where these zoos are, cause no zoo I have ever been to has a pane of glass between me and a fucking lion, tiger, gorilla or polar bear. Every zoo I've visited has a wrought-iron fence, followed by a moat that's, like, 90 feet deep with spikes at the bottom and sniper towers all over the place, just in case something awful happens.

Let's add to the fact that these poor animals are fucking crazy. They've all lost their minds. They are in an enclosure that is a SHITTY interpretation of the wild places they acutally come from, just so assholes like you and your kids can come and gawk at them. The first video of the page is a huge gorilla going after a kid, and after he realizes that he can't get to him, the animal sits down and you see him process the fact that he just lost his shit. He is humiliated. And he has no where to hide to deal with the shame of going crazy in public, he has to sit in his PEN and deal with it in front of over-evolved chimps.

See, we shouldn't keep animals in zoos. We don't need to anymore. Now that we have cameras, we should let all the animals go. There used to be pride in having gone to a far off land and having seen an exotic animal in its natural habitat. Now we drag our idiot kids to the saddest place on earth to watch beautiful animals slowly go mad, while our offspring are more excited about an over-priced gift shop then the fact that they just experience a magical creature. Not that long ago, most of the world had no idea animals like this existed! You think in the 1800s an Native American had any idea what a fucking kangaroo was?

If we want to see these animals, we should have to make the trek, to go the Africa, India and everywhere else. We should have to sleep in a shitty tent and get a nasty local bacteria from drinking bad water and only just catch a glimpse of a majestic creature vanishing into the wilds. Then you could come home and say, "I think I saw something incredible."

If you want to see those videos, its here.

I may have gotten a little carried away.

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