Saturday, January 7, 2012

I Guess I'm No Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed

Raise your hand if you love serial killers!

Let me re-phrase.

I am completely fascinated by the serial killer.  Even before Dexter I would look up old cases like Gacy, Bundy, Kemper and, of course, the Zodiac, just to see how these frightening true stories turned out.  Call it a morbid curiosity, but I can't help but find something compelling about these (predominantly) white, late 20s, early 30s men who feel the compulsion to end another's life.  Often not for any personal hurt or financial gain, but for . . . what?  Often they can't or won't even say why they do the things they do.

So, I thought I would sit down, light some incense, make a nice cup of tea and think about killing.  Specifically, what kind of serial killer would I be.

Let's see ...

First off, classifications.

The Medical Killer - This one (according to the Crime Museum's website) is relatively rare.  Most people drawn to the medical field want to help people, or just get rich.  But some join the ranks of the medical elite in order to play out their sick fantasies on the ill and dying.  Often people attracted to medicine have a semi-God complex anyway, a great interest in the power of life and death.  Some take this to the extreme.  I read a story about Dr Harold Shipmen, supposedly the greatest serial killer the world has ever known.  He killed 459 people with morphine overdoses, and was only caught when he forged the will of one of his victims that would have left all her estate to him.  Even the notorious H. H. Holmes enrolled in medical school to have access to cadavers, to practice playing out his madness.

I probably wouldn't be that one.  I mean, you have to go to med school, and that is so expensive now.  And all the studying!  Fuck that, I quit.

The Disorganized Killer - Now, these guys would be the ones other serial killers look down on.  Right away, even if they weren't brutally murdering their fellow homo sapiens, they wouldn't be people you'd want to hang out with.  In most cases they have a below average IQ.  Severe social ineptness, living alone and not dating.  Highly unstable family, often an absent or abusive father.  Hygiene is normally in the range of nasty, sweaty, and smelling of urine, living space is usually also messy.  These are the people that need to return to the scene of the crime to relive the act.  They are often very - to put it technically - fucked up in the head, hearing voices, seeing visions, etc.  Richard Chase was one of these gentlemen, who killed 6 people in a month, and with the majority of the remains engaged in necrophilia, cannibalism and . . . "bathing-in/drinking-blood"-ism.  Very poorly organized overall.

I think we can all agree that I am not anything like this breed of killer, as I am attractive, shower often, am incredibly pleasant to talk to and generally keep a tidy home.

Not to mention my slight OCD would never allow for the mess killings like this would engender.  THAT would drive me crazy!

Mission-Oriented Killer - I feel like we hear about these guys all the time.  These are the ones who go after prostitutes, gay men, blonde young ladies and the like.  For what reason?  They feel they are vindicated in what they are doing, as they are "justly" removing a certain group of undesirables.  Think Hitler without the government behind him.

I don't hate any one group of people enough to kill them.  Not a whole group, anyway.  I don't have any problems with prostitutes.  In the olden days, my profession wasn't defined much differently than theirs, so in some ways we are soldiers in arms together, just (for me) no coke or cock.  If I had a problem with homosexuals, I would need to find a new profession.  You can't go into any casting without tripping over a whole bunch of fabulous gentlemen and ladies!  As for blondes, meh.

You can't be a serial killer if your attitude is "meh" toward the people you're killing.  Why waste the effort if that's the case?

The Thrill Oriented Killer - The act of killing gives these people an intense thrill.  They find it exciting, I have even read that rather than the sight, its the smell of blood they find exciting.

I have studied too much story structure to do something this intense that didn't have a theme or deeper meaning.  And again, it would just be messy.  I would end up more irritated than when I started, and the whole point behind this is release!

Lust Killer - ...I think this is self explanatory.

Um, gross.  I don't want to do that.

The Organized Killer - These are the big granddaddies of the serial killer world.  These are your highly intelligent, meticulous monsters.  The crime is very carefully planned out, the victims sometimes watched for days before they are approached at all.  They leave little to no evidence, and oftentimes the impetus for killing is the thrill of stumping the investigators.  This would be akin to Hannibal Lecter and even the Zodiac Killer.

Honestly, in the end, I don't think serial killing is for me.  I like to think that I would be The Organized Killer, eluding police for years, all the while leaving bodies and taunts in my disastrous wake.  However, if I am going to be completely truthful, I think I would be more like the Laurel and Hardy of serial killers.  Nothing would go as planned.  I would end up killing the wrong person, I would leave ONE finger print somewhere stupid.  Actually, no, I would probably leave a bill with my address and phone number on it by accident.  No other evidence, just my fucking license.

It just so hard to commit a decent murder these days.

And in reality, I just don't have time for another hobby.

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