Don't Dedicate Your Life To Something Stupid

So, we were talking about aliens once.

Now, I am not ashamed to say that when it comes to aliens, they freak me the fuck out.  I have a hard time believing that adorable, life-loving, humor-inducing aliens a la "E.T." and "Close Encounters" will get to us before the terrifying, unintelligible, human-hating/consuming aliens of, well, "Alien", "Signs" or "Little Shop of Horrors". 

Don't feed the plants!

I do think there must be something out there in the vast expanse of the galaxy.  Honestly, I would feel really bad if it was just us.  Come on, out of infinite possibilities in the infinite infinity of space, it's just us?

Seems wasteful.

Anyway, so I think there must be other civilizations out there somewhere, and I can even consider the claims that these otherworldly beings have already visited our lonely blue planet.

But I gotta tell ya, the people who are often pro-UFO are making that really really difficult for me.

For example, remember the post about Ancient Aliens?  Don't answer that, of course you do, you read everything I write and every day you don't see a new post is a day without sunshine.

Well, on this program not only do they make the most outrageous claims, but they have the most outrageous people making them.

One of the primary contributors to this show is Giorgio Tsoukalos.

He looks like this.

Ok, that's not a fair picture.  Here's a better one.

Honest.  That's a better picture.

This guys comes up with some of the dumbest theories of all time.  I honestly don't understand how he can't hear himself talk and not say, "Man, I am completely full of shit."

For example, "Mary (of Bible fame) was visited by an alien, which she mistook for an angel, impregnated her and Jesus was actually half alien."

Even my cats roll their eyes when they hear this shit.

See, that's something else these guys need to work on.  When regular, every day, respected scientist talk about science-y stuff, its basically boring.  Even stuff they are wildly passionate about comes out like a bad math teacher trying to teach you fractions.

When they get all tense and excited about the whole alien thing, they just sound super crazy.  Honestly, its hard to say things like, "King Tut was probably an alien hybrid," without sounding like you forgot to take your meds, but if you say it seriously and calmly and not jumping up and down and explaining it like you were talking to a five year old, you might get a little further.

Not much, but a little.

Oh, and then they say things like, "Everybody wants to meet an alien."

Not true, "scientist"!

I don't.  Not until they've been thoroughly vetted and investigated to make sure they aren't gonna suck my lung out through my nostrils.  More to the point, I don't know what I would say to an alien.  I'd probably say something really inappropriate, like, "So, why are all you guys so slime-y?", "What's the deal with anal probing?", "Did you really have crazy alien sex with ancient Greek maidens and tell them you were Zeus?" - that's another claim by these "scientists".

They just said the words "death ray" in a serious context.  YOU CAN'T CALL IT A DEATH RAY. 

I can't deal with this shit.

What About Commit Genocide Together?

Relationships are odd monsters. 

There is so much pressure to find that perfect someone and then keep that perfect someone and make lots of little perfect replicas of your perfect union in the form of sentient beings who will then in turn find perfect someones to be with and spread your combined perfect-ness throughout the ages.

It's the mortal human's form of immortality.

But hold your horses - how do you get to that point?  How do you find that perfect someone?  And the big question, how do you keep the both of you happy?

Honestly, I have found being truly in love and staying away from lying and all that tends to work wonders, but what, my lovelies, does the internet have to say?

I found this Facebook page recently, all about activities to do with your better half.  I was particularly tickled by this, mostly because it seemed like a way to plan out things that should usually be spontaneous.  There were over 100 suggestions on how to keep each other happy.  So I decided to be cynical and pick the ones that were the most stupid and make fun of them.

You know, like you do.

• Do A Home Improvement Project With Your Neighbor 

Um, isn't this supposed to be a list to bring couples closer together?  I mean, this could have simply been "Do A Home Improvement Project Together."  My fiance and I painted the apartment together recently.  That was kinda fun, I guess.  But if we had invited our Greek neighbors over we would have just ended up eating amazing food and trying to imitate their language.

• Make Your Own Artisan Cheese

This is just fucking weird.  Make cheese together?  I don't know about you, but if I went over to a friend's house and they offered me cheese they had made themselves, I would be totally freaked out.  First of all, I don't eat food that came out of an animal's breast - I was weened a long time ago.  Second of all, I don't think I would trust any friend of mine to make cheese that wouldn't absolutely kill me.  I certainly wouldn't trust James and I to make cheese.  Sometimes the dinners we make can be a little suspect - especially when we're being creative.  If we put together a recipe for cheese, made it and ate it, our roommates would find us dead and bloated on the floor of the kitchen.  They would wail and raise their fists to the heavens and cry, "DAMN YOU, HOMEMADE ARTISAN CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!"

• Walk Everywhere For A Day

We live in New York City.  We already walk everywhere.  If James woke me up in the morning all excited and was all, "Baby, we are going to do something special today!  Today we're going to walk everywhere!" I'd tell him to go fuck himself, roll over and go back to sleep.

• Spend A Week At Sea 

This isn't a fun time together - that is being stranded!  You know those movies where the ships will be out in the middle of the ocean and there won't be any wind and they won't move for days and people run out of water and start eating each other and fall into the depths of despair?  You want me to do THAT with my beloved?  That's not a fun activity together, that's a test to see who'll make it through alive.

• Spend The Night In A Haunted House Together 

This ranks right up there with Get Abducted by Aliens Together or Get Possessed By A Demon Together.  I mean, come on, you have to admit something like this could really turn out badly.  "Oh we had such a great time until that ghost strangled me while whispering demonic nothings into my ear."

• Swim In The Ocean With A Large Fish

To quote The Miz - Really?  A large fish.  Um, how about a mammal.  Like a whale.  Even that would scare the shit outta me.  But a large fish?  Sharks are large fish.  Just in general, a large fish seems like a bad idea.  Anything that can be labeled "large" probably also falls under the category of "Things That Can Brutally Maim You And/Or Eat Your Face".  What about Spend Time With A Large Predator?  We could do that.  Yeah, just go right up and snuggle with that grizzly bear.  They love that.  Lions love it when humans invade their personal space.  Hyenas have the strongest jaw in the animal kingdom, but I am sure its because of all the kisses they like to give!

• Teach Her How To Build A Campfire

My problem with this is not the activity all that much, but the phrasing.  Teach HER how to build a campfire?  Um, excuse me?  Most of the men I know wouldn't know a fire from a hole in the ground (which you should dig if you are going to build a fire).  How about I teach you how to build a fire and then we burn your antiquated, sexist ideas?  That seems like a good activity.  And what do you do after you build a fire?  Stare at it and say, "Yep.  That's a fire."  Third degree burns and trips to the hospital are also good bonding activities, and can also result from this!

• Volunteer At A Soup Kitchen Over A Holiday

So, either you'll end up feeling really shitty for actually having stuff while other people have nothing, or you'll catch hepatitis.  I guess that would be bonding.  You could take your meds together, get new kidneys together, all that crazy good time!  

• Eat Dinner At The Table For A Week

Don't have a dinner table.

• Go On A 24 Hour Cleanse Together

This must have been suggested by someone who's never done a cleanse.  When yogis do cleanses, they are already coming off a diet of eating leaves and the morning dew off a daisy, so its not a big deal to eat nothing.  But normal people get nasty and cranky and you're pooping a lot and you want to eat so bad so you lash out and by the end of the day you've gotten in a huge fight and broken up and this list was for naught.

All the others were about making dinner for each other. 

Fuck that, order in, wear pj's, watch tv and chill.

Boom.  Bonding.

Even Those Close Encounters Aliens Were Petrifying

I was speaking with a friend of mine today about all the craziness that's been going on in the world - Japan's earthquake, tsunamis, terrorist attacks, etc. - and naturally we started talking about aliens.

What?

Natural disasters at this point in human history will always direct me to that fateful day we have coming to us - December 21st, 2012.  The Mayan calendar (well, one of them) ends on that day.  This has lead to all kinds of theories - an end of the world, the apocalypse, aliens coming (back?) to enlighten us all.

An interesting fact - the notion of an apocalypse in the Mayan tradition did not mean fire and brimstone and death death death.  It actually had more to do with a universal shift in thinking, an enlightenment, a change in the way the world around us is perceived.

See, that would be cool and totally acceptable.

I have something to confess.  Aliens scare the crap outta me.  Movies and 'documentaries' about alien abduction will mean at least a week of having to sleep with the light on in the bedroom.  I am not even joking about that, alien abduction scares me to death.  I think its because if that ever did happen, no one is coming to save you, no one knows where the fuck you are.  You are getting probed and there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Some people think aliens have been visiting our planet for thousands of years.  The ancient Sumerians had an incredible understanding of our solar system, and the carved relief they left behind includes figures that appear to be in space suits and rockets and stuff like that. 

See?  Some people think these carvings (in the British museum) are actually alien beings that visited humans hundreds of years ago to help with building shit.  Cause they don't have anything else to do except help a struggling race eek out an existence.

"Hey, Alien 1 (we're calling him that because we can't pronounce his name in English) what you doing later?"

"Ted (his name is actually Ted, weird huh?), I'm just chilling, why?"

"Want to go to a tiny planet in the Milky Way and help out a primitive race with menial tasks?"

"Boy, do I ever!"

In this picture the aliens have a space ship.  

Conclusions from this?  My five year old niece Brooke has better art skills than the ancient Sumerians.

Regardless, some people believe that those helper aliens are coming back in 2012.  

I'm actually not going to talk about how silly I think this is.  Let's talk about how people would react.

So yeah, 2012 comes and the aliens come back.  I have a bad feeling they would end up being a fad, like the iPad.  For about a week if you saw someone with one on the subway you'd turn to your friend and be all, 'Dude, that guy has an iPad!  Cool!'.  But now when you see one you turn to your friend and be all, 'Ug, what a poser, working on an iPad on the subway!  Douche!'. 

See, after about a month of being in awe of aliens, we'd be all, 'Alien, move your spaceship!  You're blocking my car!  Can't you read the sign, no parking on Tuesdays and Thursdays!  Stupid aliens, can't even read English.'

I'd still be terrified of them.