I Don't Even Know How You Would Apply For This Job

I would be a terrible secret agent.

I think everyone watches movies like James Bond and Ronin and other secret agent-y movies that don't have a half crazed Scientologist as the lead and want to do something awesome like that.  Just think about the fight scene in the first James Bond with Daniel Craig when he's chasing that one black guy who was the bomb maker.  I mean, come on, that is EPIC!  And even though it would mean throwing yourself head first into danger, I know there was a big part of me that was all, ME ME ME, PICK ME!

However, the more I think about the logistics of being a secret agent, the more I think I wouldn't be cut out for the job.  

There are so many times when an agent is in one place, they get a call or a clue or something and the next scene they're halfway across the world.  Different time zone, probably had to take the first flight available so maybe you had to fly coach, never know if the flight had a meal  . . . 

I would be SO cranky.  

See, I need my eight hours.  Sleep is very important to me, and it never seems to be high on the priorities list of the secret agent.  See, I would be interrogating someone, and if they didn't tell me what I needed to know right away, I'd be all, "Listen, I am very disagreeable at the moment, and if you don't tell me what I want to know, I am just going to kill you.  Sooner I kill you, sooner I get my nap!"  And see, I would just kill people, and not get the information, cause, you know, bedtime.

Secondly, I couldn't deal with all the sexually transmitted diseases.  From what I can gather, sleeping with all and sundry seems like a big part of the job.  And you know that not everyone is going to be conscientious about getting checked out.  I mean, how often do you see James Bond go get a blood test?  I'm sure it's difficult to find an afternoon to go to the doctor to get checked out, much less pick up the necessary antibiotics, creams and salves from the pharmacy and then actually USE them.  By the time you'd retire, you would probably have diseases completely unique to you from all the combinations of evil diseases.  Do you know what syphilis does to your brain alone?  And that one has NO symptoms.  By the time your hands start trembling from the brain and nerve damage, you're fucked!  Now add gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis, HIV, herpes, warts, crabs and goodness knows what else - you could be the petri dish for a super evil disease of epic proportions.

And, you know, I would feel bad just taking people's stuff.  You always see guys just taking cars and stealing briefcases and rifling through purses.  I'd feel bad.  So yeah, you need to steal that car to chase the bad guy, but what if the owner of that car is really allergic to bee stings and his EPI pen is in the car?  And then he gets stung by a particularly evil bee, and doesn't have his medicine.  And that's all your fault.  Don't you feel like an asshole?

Funnily enough, I think I would get over the whole killing and torturing aspect rather quickly.